Reply to Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

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Reply to "Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My father prioritized his second wife over me.  Now hat he does not have to do any parenting he wants to be in my life.  When my Mom passed away, I lost two parents as she was both.

I wish I was made a priority.  No better way to screw up your kids up than to put them second to a new wife.[/quote]

What exactly does prioritizing the new wife over you look like? Presumably the "new wife" has been in his life quite a long time. It's bizarre to me how many of you are so dismissive of the "new wife" when in many situations the marriage has lasted much, much longer than the first. [/quote]

Start with the fact that I was told no children were allowed at their wedding.  That is why I did not go.  They show me the wedding video later on and her two young cousins, who were my age, were the ring barer and flower girl.  His wife did not want me at the wedding because I would have taken away some of my father attention from her day.   Then once they were married, she wanted to live closer to her home so they moved back to where my Dad is originally from.  Then once they had kids, my father would only see me when she said it was okay.  The times I did go up, if she wanted to go out or had plans for the two of them, I would get left with a babysitter.  So she came first always and my father went right along with it.   So that is how my father prioritized his second wife over me.  They eventually divorced.[/quote]

So sorry PP :([/quote]

Sadly, PP, this is happening to my children now.  ExDH's fiancee is very sensitive about the amount of time he spends with his kids -- actively encouraging him to cut the amount of time he spends with kids and discouraging him from spending any time with them and me.  So, for example, he used to come over on Friday nights until about 8 pm, eat dinner with them and hang out and play games or watch TV/movies together.  This was their best night of the week with him because they didn't have to do homework and could really BE with him.  I encouraged him to take the kids out with his new fiancé to her house that he moved into or out to dinner.  But, it turns out that she doesn't like the fact that the kids cut into her social activities, to which he must accompany her.  I eventually found out that he was taking the kids on Fridays and leaving them alone at her house while the two of them went out to parties.  Eventually, about 6 months after moving in with her, he just dropped seeing them altogether Fridays, telling him he was signing up for a workout group Friday evenings (something which he could have easily arranged on another night).  He also used to attend weekend sports events even when it wasn't "his day" with the kids.  I always invited him to this because all kids want to have their parents at sports events.  He also stopped doing this, presumably because she didn't like having "her time" with him cut into by the kids.  I find the whole thing ridiculous because, as adults, they have time together every day at breakfast, they work close so they can meet up for lunch and they have time after dinner together.  Even on a Friday night he is "done" early enough with them that they can go out and participate in pretty much any social activity together.

I honestly don't understand her perspective.  I sometimes wonder if she feels threatened that I "want him back".  But, if he has been honest with her about the circumstances of our breakup, I think she would be very clear that he and I are NEVER getting back together.  Plus, it has been 10 years since our split, so I think that alone would make it clear that there is no chance of our reconciling.  If I were in the fiancé's position, I would just take the time he is with the kids and go out with my girlfriends or to the gym or concentrate on my solo interests or work.  Or,  I would actively include the kids so that I could bond with them.

The whole thing makes my kids so sad.  They consistently see him choosing to do other things over spending time with them either alone or together with his girlfriend.  They are old enough to see how he could easily re-arrange things to spend time with them if he wanted to.  So, they conclude that he just doesn't want to, and that is REALLY painful.  The conclusion that any kid draws is that their own parent doesn't love them enough to spend time with them.  Of course, I do think he loves them in his own way, but he is not mature enough to put their interests ahead of his.  That gives them a deep sense of insecurity -- they know that they cannot depend on him as a parent.

My question to the PP is -- how do I handle this to minimize the grief to my kids?  I have tried to build relationships with other male family members on my side of the family (grandpa, uncles, cousins) and give them a sense that many people DO want to spend time with them.  I am ALWAYS there when their dad flakes out on visitation and try to do something with them that is fun instead of having them lounge around the house depressed.  I try to explain that the problem lies with HIM, and not with them, but, of course, I don't want to trash him as I don't think that's helpful either.  I have always fostered a good relationship with him and the kids, and I have been pleasant to him, because I think that is the better way to move forward.  On the other hand, pretending his behavior is normal and desirable doesn't seem healthy either.  I don't want them to grow up with the same low expectations in other relationships (or god forbid, as parents themselves).

What would have helped you PP?  Is there any way to mitigate the damage a parent does when they consistently put their child second to the subsequent spouse or girlfriend?

What kind of relationship do you have with your father today?  I worry that once my kids leave the house, they will really only have contact with him a few times a year.  That seems sad to me, but at the same time, I suppose less sad than repeatedly trying to be in his life and being rejected or knowing that they are only wanted when it is convenient. [/quote]

Seriously? You can't understand why your ex is no longer coming to hang out with you and the kids at your house on Friday nights now that he's in a relationship? If you wanted that you should have stayed married. Divorce means things change and people move on. This doesn't mean he can't still be a great Dad, but it means things will change. Help your kids understand that versus piling on about Dad putting others first.[/quote]

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