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[quote=Anonymous]My husband definitely has ADHD and fits some of the points you mentioned.

1. - taking forever to do simple things - yes. He gets distracted by details and will take 30 minutes to choose a cheese from the grocery store.

2 - trying to solve problems that aren't immediately a concern - yes, he does this all the time, esp. if it involves fixing something broken.

3 - yes this 100% and it's so frustrating. A good example is when we were moving in a week and I needed help packing up the entire house - he will find little, non-necessary tasks to finish (like painting and sanding a closet door he meant to do for months and never got to) instead of doing things that are actually necessary

4&5 - no he's not really forgetful, but this fits with ADHD I think

6 - yes, takes forever to do simple tasks and puts them all off until the last minute

7 - yes helps others before us

8 - phone addiction - yes.

OK This is all indicative of ADHD I think, especially 1-6. 7&8, and to a degree the rest of your points, also point to ADHD but in a different way I think.

So, ADHD involves a lack of executive functioning - that's why he can't prioritize immediate issues, or figure out what needs to take priority, or make quick decisions. It's like too many unnecessary details flood his brain and he gets lost in them. My theory about the rest of your points, which is similar to my husband too, is that ADHD folks have a hard time with emotional dysregulation - in my husband's case he has a hard time being patient with the kids and easily gets stressed in situations like getting the kids out the door on time (struggling with time management is an ADHD symptom as well.) I find that when there's a situation that he knows will be difficult for him - like getting the kids out the door quickly, or getting the table set for dinner when it's ready but then kids don't want to come to the table - his tendency is to disengage (go into his phone, go into another room and do something random, etc.) because his brain effectively shuts down as it's too difficult for him to stay regulated in these situations. My guess is that some of your later points, about how he doesn't help out, is because he IS genuinely feeling overwhelmed and doesn't know how to overcome that - so he checks out, does hobbies, looks at his phone, ignores the kids.

I'm not trying to excuse his behavior at all, just trying to find a way to be helpful that isn't just "divorce him." I'd really start with treating his ADHD. Get him to a therapist who specializes in ADHD treatment and can perhaps get him medicated and help him put strategies in place to make him feel less overwhelmed. That's step 1. Also, and I know this is incredibly hard because you are completely doing more than your share, but lay off the nagging / reminding / scolding for a while because I'd be that this is contributing to the dynamic of him wanting to check out even more. If he doesn't want to work on himself in therapy, or try meds, then I'd start considering divorce or other options, because that shows that he doesn't even care enough to try. But I think a lot could be helped by really understanding the ADHD brain, and working together to actually come up with solutions. Good luck.[/quote]

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