Reply to Need an outside perspective

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Need an outside perspective "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]This exact script has played out many times in our relationship in one form or other.  Although we've talked it out, I admit I still don't feel 100% better and I notice that I'm just not myself and I can't just immediately go back to being warm and loving to him.  The fact that it repeats, feels like reopening a half-healed wound, and it triggers a lot of old hurt and frustration for me.

It's a vicious cycle that has been repeating, due to our differences and incompatibilities.  Maybe I veer to being a control freak in certain areas (like meal prep), and maybe HE veers towards the opposite end, combined with carelessness.  And then add to that formula - we both have incompatible and immature communication styles to work out the inevitable conflict that our differences cause.

We both have had to change and compromise a LOT on just basic household management stuff, because of our differences and incompatibilities. And we have problem solved around many of our incompatibilities.

If we were just talking about the stock and there was no prior history, maybe this wouldn't have even been a thing. But when he throws out something of mine, that is definitely an old wound for me.   And even though logically I know he does it unintentionally, in the moment, it FEELS very aggressive and like a violation to me, and then my whole body feels primed in preparation for him to deny doing it, painting me as "crazy" for making a big deal out of nothing, turning it around on me, and finally him crying and saying I think he's such a horrible person.

I feel like I was able to articulate clearly about this behavior that really upsets me, for the first time yesterday. 
And I do think he was able to SEE it for the first time.  
And I do think he does it automatically and unconsciously whenever he feels criticized. 
And I do think he is extra sensitive to criticism because he's received it all his life, because he does struggle with things that most people typically do not....
...Things like hearing the exact opposite of what was said, or doing the exact opposite of what most people do, or simply not understanding the millions of assumptions that people take for granted, being clumsy or absent-minded and breaking/dropping/misplacing/discarding things, not knowing expectations and assumptions that most people take for granted, and for the most part, simply living by his own unique rules.

I am wary of bringing this up, because he is no longer the person he was when we first met, and I don't want to get stuck in the past.  But as just one example how far we've come and to illustrate where we started: At the beginning of our relationship, I literally had to spell out for him and convince him why I didn't like being called a "f-ing B" when we were disagreeing, and it took years of convincing him that the goal of our disagreements wasn't to win at all costs. He thought, isn't that the whole point of fighting, to win?  I had to sit down and teach him that yes, you might shut me down and win in the moment, but that also has a very expensive cost to the relationship. He did that with his family members too, until I taught him not to.

I recognize my part in perpetuating this cycle too.  But all of the above is part of the reason that this is a work in progress for me. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics