Reply to How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
It's just really really hard to know for sure what this will look like before you are in it. I am someone who way overestimated how much childcare my DH would do based on him being generally pretty comfortable around kids and saying all the right stuff about sharing the load. But the reality was that he would hide in the bathroom to avoid changing diapers and he can be incredibly impatient through the toddler and preschool years where kids just need a ton of attention and help with learning how to do stuff. [b]And very disappointingly he did not step up with chores or household stuff as I took on more and more of the parenting that he just kind of opted out of -- it's always been about 60-40 in those areas and it stayed that way even as I took on way more childcare and parenting responsibilities and we both worked.[/b] But I don't know how I could possibly have known it would go this way when we were dating or even living together or the two years post-marriage and before kids. He isn't a misogynist. He does know how to clean and cook and he does do these things. He's a "good guy" and generally respectful to me. And yet after we had kids our division of labor at home went from 60-40 to like 80-20. And to him because he's doing the same amount of stuff he was doing pre-kids he thinks that should be enough and he just doesn't seem to understand there is SO much more to do with kids.

I really don't know how you fix this. So many women in this boat and the guys are not abusive jerks or anything but also women are doing so much more at home even when working similar jobs.[/quote]

Okay, ding ding ding! Having a 60/40 split prior to having children is a RED FLAG that you missed. Any competent person should be able to do 50% of a two-adult-no-kid household. Him failing to do that was a RED FLAG. You probably thought it was no big deal and you're such a nice wife, but you should have drawn a line back then and insisted that he do his share. Instead, you taught him that you're happy to do the majority of the work.

I had a huge number of fights with my husband (or fiance at the time) about this stuff, and he honestly did not comprehend why I was being so intense about it, but it's really the only way to ensure that he truly understands you're serious about it and won't pick up his slack.[/quote]

Sure but almost no women are socialized to think this. Instead they are told over and over again "well men just don't care as much about cleanliness" or "if you nag all the time you won't have a boyfriend at all" or "well marriage is about compromise."

Also if there is even a slight difference in earning then that will be used to justify the disparity sort of subconsciously and the woman will make what she thinks is a small bargain with herself -- she'll do 60% of the work at home if it means she only has to earn 40% of the money. But this becomes a massive compromise when kids show up because that 60% rapidly increases to 80% even though she's still making 40% of the money. And what if her DH burns out or hits a ceiling at work -- she could be earning 50% or more but he's still just doing the 40% of the pre-kids household duties and truly believes it's half of all total house and child responsiblities. And at that point they have kids and household finances premised on them both working. People get stuck.

You can say it's a red flag and it is but you also need to acknowledge that when a newly married or cohabitating woman says "my DH does half the cooking and the laundry but doesn't really do any of the cleaning -- should I worry about this" the overwhelming response will be "BE GRATEFUL HE'S COOKING AND DOING LAUNDRY YOU FOUND A KEEPER CAN'T YOU JUST HIRE A HOUSECLEANER." Like socially we really do not encourage women do demand truly 50% contributions at home including in those early years at home before kids. We consider men who cook and clean at all such a vast improvement over what most of us grew up with that it's hard to see how those little inequities will grow with kids.[/quote]

Sounds like it makes more sense to plan on him working for pay and you running the household! [/quote]

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