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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Husband is an alcoholic. He has cirrhosis, chronic pancreatitis, PVT, and hepatic encephalopathy. He’s in the hospital. Again. This happens every few months and it’s just a matter of time.

We are currently separated bc the chaos of living under the same roof as him was unbearable.

I’ve done everything in my power to hold the household and the kids together. 3 kids under age 10. At first I was hopeful he’d get better but recovery never sticks. He doesn’t want to stop drinking.

He’s an impulsive spender. Never plans. Never communicates. Loves to put things on credit cards. He switched jobs recently and his group life insurance policy sucks. The payout is less than one year of his salary. So it’s essentially non-existant. We have no savings. No college funds for kids. We have $600k equity in the house. $350k retirement funds. Pulled a credit report on my husband and between house, cars, and consumer credit cards, he owes $915k. ($750k is the house. $40k cars. $70k HELOC. The rest is consumer CC debt.) Every single debt is in his name.

I’m horrified by the debt. I begrudgingly signed off on the heloc. Then the cars were purchased without my approval. I had no idea he had so much credit card debt… but he had to hide how much he was drinking and never makes more than minimum payments..

So now that I know he’s dying and I know we’re screwed financially, what on earth can I do? I plan to return to work in the fall (teacher) but that won’t get us very far.

[/quote]

Are you living in the house or is he? How much is the other party paying in rent?

Can he be discharged to rehab? Have you had conversations with his doctors? Does he have short term disability through work?

I would not be so sure he is actively dying, alcoholics can linger. You need a financial plan if he lives and one if he does not. You need to speak to a lawyer.

How many teaching jobs have you applied for? Is your license current?

Al Anon for you, find an online meeting this weekend. You need to get very informed and practical with lawyer and financial planner and strategize around the emotional stuff with the free Al Anon folks.

Something is up with you, too, that you have such young kids, and so many, with someone in such bad shape. And that you quit your job, trapping yourself. You really have to get it together, OP. I'm guessing your family of origin involved alcoholism too? Do you have any extended family nearby to help? [/quote]

I’ve been in Al Anon for a long time. Something was up with me. I operated on hope and potential for a very long time. I was in denial. I thought he’d get better. I thought he was telling me the truth. Now I know better, it’s a progressive disease. If your gut tells you something is off… it is. I learned the hard way as many women in Al Anon do.

If you saw my husband you would NEVER guess that he’s dying of alcoholism. He’s well educated and attractive. Has an impressive career. His extended family members are all white collar and well educated. Beautiful homes and children. And most of them have alcohol issues. My husband is definitely the worst though.

I was a SAHM bc the kids are little -preschool and ES- and my husband travels for work. This is not unusual. Teacher salary is less than childcare x 3. I always planned to return when the youngest gets to kindergarten.

I’ve been doing initial consults for weeks. I think I’ve settled on a family law attorney. I just wanted to gather some more baseline info here.

I’m in the marital home. He has an apartment and refuses inpatient treatment. He always does outpatient so he can keep working and pretend he doesn’t have a problem.  [/quote]

OP, I have been in your shoes to some extent. (Husband more in peril from death via alcohol toxicity than chronicity, we had only one kid, and I was the earner). It was hard AF and what you are doing is exponentially harder. I just want you to know that I see you and am rooting for you.

Of the things this man could be to your family now, he is a bad emotional participant, you now know he is a net negative in assets—so you will not come out of a divorce ahead of where you are, personally, now—but it sounds like he may be earning.

How is he (/how are you) tolerating him paying for your separated households at this point? Is he basically doing this without complaint, and are you basically OK with it for now?

You are going to come out a little ahead if he dies than if you divorce him, it sounds like. And where you are now, “a little ahead” could be a huge difference.

When I was in my late teens I received a $2000 bequest from a grandmother who had personally worked for pay for a vanishingly short time (in a textile mill). She had saved this money from the benefits she received from my grandfather’s Social Security; although she had not worked for pay in decades, he had paid in via 30+ years of work in the mills, and then as a bus driver.

So: see the many PPs about Social Security death benefits—I would definitely consider visiting your Social Security office to walk through how they work if you have not already, since they will be as important to you as privately-purchased life insurance might have been. (Obviously Social Security does not go as far as it used to.)

Anyway, the bequest came via my dad, who said I could use it on what I wanted but had already communicated in various ways that women were always better off with some “break glass in case of” money.

The $2000 is still in my bank account—I got lucky and didn’t have to break the glass. Hoping the same for you and your kids.[/quote]

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