Reply to We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.

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[quote=Anonymous]These are the hard years.  And it looks like you are trying to stick to a routine with normal core hours when there is just not enough time in the day.  Our roles were reversed where I was working crazy hours and spouse had more flexibility.  But given social roles, I still had half of the childcare, grocery, cooking, primary on cleaning (DH would do dishes and laundry but not bathrooms, vacuuming, etc.), camp scheduling, doctors appointments, etc.  Not sustainable.

Further, some of these suggestions are helpful, but didn’t work for me.  I found having a housekeeper to be more stressful than helpful (tidying up and scheduling would fall on me), and same for hiring drop/pickup rather than using aftercare.  Plus, they are more expensive and that didn’t help the stress levels.  So you need to take these suggestions and figure out what works for you.  So, here are a few more suggestions to choose from:

First, be okay with not being mom of the year.  Figure out what is important and focus on those things.  I got a Roomba ($175) and rotated some instant type meals (e.g., microwave mashed potatoes, using more tin foil to reduce dishes), and stopped folding my kids clothes (if they are in the right drawer, good enough).  We do grocery pickup most weeks - set the order and someone picks it up on the way back from work (10 minute detour instead of an hour trip).  Small things to make the day easier.  Next, I am not sure everyone gets to work out every day.  Or at least not in a way that is not multitasking.  Perhaps he gets three morning workouts and does drop off two days.  I have increased my workouts now that my kids are older, but I also do them when shuttling to extracurriculars.  We reduced the extra curricular to a few core ones and consolidated one so the kids workout time is my workout time.

Finally, work gets done when it is most efficient.  I had that law firm job where I worked from 7-5 (I eased back to share in the drop offs), came home for dinner/bath, and then logged back on.  But now that I have taken an in-house job, I have more flexibility but am still working 50-60 hours.  But those extra hours are early in the morning, or early morning on weekends.  And when I have a family event, I have a conflict.  I know there is no way I can sit down and have 50 hours of uninterrupted time and have time for my family.  So I get up at 5:30am, bang out emails for an hour and start the dropoff routine at 6:30 when the kids start to wake up.  I am available for my clients and move my quiet time work to times when no one will need me (family or clients).

Not all of this will work for you and you and your husband are going to have to flex (because it can’t be all you).  Most of my male colleagues do some drop off or pickup regardless of what their spouse makes.  Only the ones that have stay at homes or have a clear division of labor do the workout, work, newspaper when I get home bit.  But see if you can find ways to reduce the stress and as your kids get older, it will get easier.[/quote]

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