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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here.  I feel I should clarify a few things:
— my behavior/response isn’t honestly as bad as I made it sound.  Having a big family with two working parents means that you don’t always get to do things or get as much done for you.  My husbands mentality is that once they are over the age of 13, they should take responsibility and do it themselves.  Your laundry is dirty and you don’t have clothes— you know where the washer is.  You don’t like what they are serving for lunch at school— get up early and make yourself lunch.  My daughter is 14, and I feel bad that I do things for her 12 year old brother (and her ten year old sister, and her seven year old other brother) but not her.  So I do them most of the time, but technically our house rule is that she’s supposed to be doing them.  My husband says I’m coddling her by doing this stuff for her.  Maybe I am.  Not driving her— she signed up for an activity that is at the same time as two of her other sibling’s practices, and when I have to pick up my youngest from extended day, on the day that I have to go in to the office.  We told her that she could do it if she figured out a way to get there and home , and she agreed to walk there.  I had been leaving work early to take her, but I stopped and told her she should follow the original plan which she agreed to.   It’s more that I’m less likely to blow off mean things she says, before I used to gloss over it but now I kind of feel like I just raised a mean girl, and I worry my perception of her is based on the fact that she sided with her dad on this thing that I was really hurt by.  
— I really can’t get a job where his parents live.  I’ve tried for several years.  Moving would mean giving up by career (which I have a PhD, I worked really hard for apparently no reason), and getting a job teaching.  Which wouldn’t be the end of the world, but it would be a huge pay cut and I’m not sure if we could keep our current standard of living.  
— Every vacation I have taken for the past twenty years has been to visit his parents.  In contrast we haven’t seen my parents since before covid.  I went and visited them a few weekends each year, but the kids haven’t spent substantial time with them in a long time.  My daughter says she doesn’t like to visit them because she doesn’t know them.  We built a house for his parents to come live with us less than two years ago.  They come for maybe a day or two every other month.  The only time I’ve ever complained about visiting them has been times when my husband had wanted to pull the kids out of school early.  His parents are too busy traveling and with their hobbies to really come see us much.  
— my husband I never fight.  Like literally ever.  I don’t think I am as in love with him, just because I’ve had to force myself to think about what life would be like if he decided to randomly move.  That used to be a really foreign concept.  Now I feel more and more like it’s likely which is hard to imagine.   I think that’s why my daughter felt the need to talk to both of us about what she overheard, it was very out of character and when I said I wouldn’t move, she said that she would stay here and that I needed to convince my husband to stay too.
— I think I am hormonal.  I get very depressed these days and it makes me sad to watch movies where people are in love and happily married.  Which is sad.  
[/quote]

Look, you and your husband decided to have a bonkers crazy life with two jobs and four kids. It’s not your daughter’s fault. [/quote]

This. Np and I am so sick of hearing 'well with 4 kids' (from you and various people in real life). You made that choice. The only people who have navigated that well in my experience are people with a ton of grandparent logistical support or just loads of money. You don't seem to have either. [/quote]

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