Reply to If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I believe forgiveness is something you practice, something you choose. It's not something you feel or is "one and done."

I focus on gratitude for everything we have and have overcome. I focus on humility and having compassion for DH's humanity. I remember that infidelity is sadly a very common response to life's stresses by people who haven't developed the right coping skills yet.

I choose not to live in bitterness, for my sake as much as anyone else's. I say thanks for the chance to remain together and experience so much joy in our marriage and family. I acknowledge my spouse's continuing efforts to better himself and be a healthy and whole person.

Maybe it's a mindset more than anything. It's certainly not just saying, "I forgive you" and feeling some kind of weight lifted magically. It doesn't work that way. It takes tilting your heart towards joy and love and peace on a daily basis.[/quote]

Humanity? Humanity is shown by helping another in need, by sacrificing. Sticking his D in someone one, wow, so profoundly human. Better himself? Fidelity in marriage is not like a training course. You picked a loser. Why don't you admit that you are staying because you don't want to downsize your life, change your kids' school,  have to deal with the neighbors' gossip. This would be sincere and a sign of humanity. Not that verbal garbage above.  [/quote]

If you have never been in this position you can zip it, because you can talk all the game you want but have zero idea what you would actually do. [/quote]

I know myself,  I have self esteem,  my own money and career and I respect myself,  so I'd know what to do. [/quote]

Oh I proclaimed the same and I make a lot of $$ and I’m have a ton of self esteem.  The pp is correct.  Reality is a very different thing entirely.[/quote]

No you don't. Nobody with self respect wants to be with someone who thinks they are not enough and lacking. And if you are still in love with someone who is mentally abusive to you and is not honest and doesn't care about your feelings, you need therapy. You are better than a discarded old rag. [/quote]

What you fail to understand is that [b]cheating is about the cheater. They are broken,[/b] not the person they cheated on. It has nothing to do with you. [/quote]

this is so true. I wish I'd known this years ago, instead I thought I was the broken one and somehow deserved the betrayal. If anyone can learn this message early on, all the better.[/quote]

It’s true.  I even had a spouse say “this was me we about you.  You are perfect.  It’s what is wrong with me and I was unhappy with myself”.  I couldn’t wrap my head around that.  But, he went through a dark time when a lot happened in his life and personally during that period.  He was not the same person I married during that brief time period.  He got a lot of help, did a lot of self examination and therapy for the first time (which he continues monthly several years later).  He is so much happier and “settled”, less hard on himself, etc.  He was always a great dad, great husband and fantastic to all of my relatives (helped some physically and financially and legally).  I know cheaters hate to hear this, but the marriage did come out even stronger ultimately.

I was black and white prior.  I was black and white when he confessed and did kick him out of the house immediately.  It’s not like anyone is a doormat.  I also have a big career with a big paycheck and my own retirement/health insurance.  I would not be in a marriage with somebody that was not worth it or didn’t change.

Marriages (any 20+ year marriage) will face some hard issues (not necessarily infidelity), sometimes it’s $ or addictions or mental health or chronic illness, or just some rough/stressful years.  It’s the princess Hollywood bridges of Madison county BS and a lack of understanding about the cycles of a lifelong marriage and how people change that sell people unrealistic fantasies.  Some marriages are not salvageable and some people change for the worse and it’s better to leave and cut your losses.  It’s not black and white.

Every marriage, every affair or infidelity is different.  We do better not to judge other people whom we know nothing about or what goes on behind closed doors.  Life has a way of making you learn to “never say never”.   The worst is revictimizing victims.  It’s what this stuff is not talked about and people suffer horrible trauma in silence for the unfair judgement they receive.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics