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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Have you ever calculated how much it costs to work?

I was chatting with a friend who lives in the NYC area about how much it costs her to work (suburban train, after school care etc etc). While SAHM is not an option for them, she has a hard time accepting how much it costs her to work.

It got me thinking....how much do a spend to WOHM?  (Not an argument on the long-term financial security, retirement benefits or earning potential....just a budgeting/expenses question).

Me? I estimated some average monthly costs I can attribute to WOHM.

Daycare - $3300 (though part of that is preschool I would have likely had to pay for, at least a few days a week)
Commute - Gas, wear and tear (?) - $100
Parking - $120
Cleaning Services - $400
Clothing - $200 (suits, dress shoes etc)
Dry Cleaning - $100
Lunches - $80
Coffees/Breakfast on the Run - $30
Takeout - $200

Yikes!
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Why is this conversation always about whether “it makes sense” for the mom/wife to work? What about your spouse? Why not run the numbers to decide whether he should go back to work or SAH?[/quote]

Because IRL and also mirrored here, the husbands do not pull their weight in taking care of the household and kids and the women take care of the vast majority of the burden. So most of them decide to stay home because they have to do 2 jobs - WOH and WAH taking care of everything, from managing appointments, to cooking, cleaning, homework, shopping etc. Add several kids or a kid with special needs and the double work becomes unbearable and sometimes impossible, if the kid with special needs requires multiple appointments. I have a unicorn - a very well paid job FH and a H who is very hands on and does things without me asking, in addition to making $$$$. I bet if other women would have more opportunities like mine and involved spouses, the selection would change. But corporate America is not kind to moms, despite all that lip service, and lots of men are too good to do homework with the kids or laundry properly or take the trash out when needed and not when asked. [/quote]

You don't have a unicorn, you just made a good decision as did I! Most people choose a dud husband and complain incessantly about him and his lack of childcare/involvement in home etc.  Buck up women!![b] Raise your expectations[/b] if you want the world to change! You are in the driver's seat of your life! Make better choices or stop whining about your bad choices. You chose to marry that dud.

I tell my daughters the biggest investment in their career and self is choosing [b]a spouse that wants for them what they want for themselves [/b]and vice versa. Childcare and the cost of work (or not) is purely a family decision. It is definitely NOT the cost for a WOMAN.. that thought pattern holds us back. It is a family cost that supports the whole family  PERIOD.[/quote]

I hear you, but I'm bone tired of the task changing men to be one more thing for women to do.

Telling women they just need to "raise their expectations" isn't at all helpful.  Do you think any of us married someone we thought would be an unequal partner?  Of course not.  Practical advice would be appreciated for those (such as myself) who find themselves in an unequal marriage.  Like the guy is generally nice, shovels the walk for the elderly neighbor, will take the kids either if you ask or if you're at your complete rock bottom but not before, and even then often his version of time with the kids is everyone on their devices.  Eats anything you cook/reheat and tells the kids to say thank you, but the only cleaning he can remember on his own is to roll the garbage cans to the curb once a week.  Anything else needs multiple reminders and even then the response is just a shrug "yeah, I guess I didn't do it" or "well doing X was worth keeping the peace" comment.  No, I didn't see any of this before we got married.  He either had roommates (and as it turns out enough social sense to clean up behind himself in a communal living situation) or in student housing (most grad students did this where he went).  Should I have dated only men with enough $ to already own their own house and lived alone?  (I probably would have wondered about their lack of financial sense).  My spouse feels like he wants for me what I want for myself.  Wanting and doing are 2 very different things. He feels I'm free to clean up behind everyone if it matters so much to me.  He'll cheer me on from the couch.   :roll:  Wanting isn't enough.  Blaming women for men's failures compounds the problem.  "I had no idea my wife was so unhappy.  Why didn't she say anything."   Even that blames women.  And I'm sure she did say something.  Many. Many. Many times.[/quote]

Anecdotally, every woman I know married to a man who doesn’t do his share, actively does things to enable the behavior.  From quitting her job, EBF,  not sleep training, never leaving the kids to go away for a weekend, not demanding her husband takes any parental leave etc.   I am in a egalitarian marriage with a husband who does 50/50 and supports my career.  I have taken a different path than some of my friends but they would probably describe me as lucky to have a husband who actively parents and does his share.

But my friends never:

1.  Formula fed so their husband was responsible for a window of time for the baby 
2.  Left their young baby without instructions for the day with their husband 
3. Returned to work
4.  Went away for the weekend with girlfriends 
5.  Refused to have more kids if their husband didn’t take parental leave

If you EBF and quit your job while your husband returns to work, you’re essentially saying the child is 100% your responsibility and not your husband’s.  You’re saying your husband earns the $ and you do the housework/childcare.  It’s very hard to break these habits.  Men get very used to having a career while their wife stays home and does everything else. 
[/quote]

My husband did 50% of the parenting but 10% of the household work. I returned to work after 12 weeks with both kids.  He took leave to take care of our first born after I went back.[/quote]

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