Reply to What is with DCUM women and "mental loads?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I work in an elementary school and often kids are sent to school without coats in the winter. Every single time, it's when the dad drops them off. Every. Time. If you say something to the father, their reply is along the lines of "oh, she forgot to grab it this morning! Oops!" Which may be acceptable for a 5th grader, but for a kindergartener or first grader, who can't be responsible for remembering every single thing they bring to school, it's not okay. The parent needs to verify that the kid has everything. And the next day, guess what, dad forgets the coat again.

But, talking with the dads got nowhere, so now we have to say something to the moms as well if we want the kids to be warm. So now, while dad is technically doing the drop off, mom has to take on the mental load of letting dad know he forgot the coat and making sure he brings it at all future drop offs. Now mom has to pack all school things up the night before, double check that dad got everything, remind her child to grab their coat, etc. And when that's happening for multiple little things, it all starts to add up.

And, even worse, dads will have excuses like "I don't know where her coat is" or for the divorced ones, "she doesn't have a coat at my place". So it's clear they think knowing where basic necessities are isn't important since mom can do it, and that mom should be responsible for getting necessities for dad's house, too. [/quote]

Saw it play out in action among 8th graders at school today.

My kids *know* if they want outdoor play time, they need to clean up after lunch. They’ve been told a million times.

Yet without fail, the boys will finish eating and then start goofing off. The girls want to go out, so their options are to either do all the cleaning themselves, or they have to nag the boys over and over to clean up. This goes on until finally lunch time is over, they lost the opportunity to go out, and the boys are pissed at me since it’s somehow my fault they can’t remember to clean. Or, girls will finish cleaning everything, I’ll let them go out, and the boys start heading out the door thinking they’re entitled to go, too, despite doing zero work.

So the girls are carrying the load of 1. Remembering to clean up and 2. Doing most of the cleaning themselves.

Pissed me off so much today that the rest of the week, girls get to go out while boys have to stay behind and clean everything. They gotta learn somehow. [/quote]

You have let this play out like this for how long? Are the girls pissed at you?  I would be.[/quote]

No, once it starts I nip it in the bud. But definitely happens after every break, most weeks at the beginning on the week, and randomly. Like they’ll do great for a week or two, and then one day they forget it all.

It also doesn’t help that none of the other staff enforce. Today when discussing it with a coworker, she replied “just let the guys go out anyway and do the cleaning yourself. It’s easier and they need to get their energy out”. No, that’s just perpetuating the problem.

Girls have definitely expressed their frustration and I always agree with them. I’ll then have a talk with the class on why it’s wrong to shift the burden onto others. And I *always* tell the girls, when I see them cleaning up after the boys, that they aren’t expected to. Or I’ll allow them to go out since they did what was asked.

Sometimes it’s super frustrating watching girls enable the behavior. There’s a new, very pretty girl who is head over heels with the popular boy so she does EVERYTHING for him and just laps up the attention he gives her (which is usually crap like stealing her backpack or her food). I just want to yell “ITS NOT GONNA BE SO CUTE IN 20 YEARS!!!”[/quote]

But why allow the girls to clean up after the boys? Why let the boys shift the burden in the first place?[/quote]

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