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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I went part time because I was frankly more invested in my kids lives than dh was.  He does fine and they would be fine, if I was working more but I wanted more for my kids than that and so I would be the one unhappy.   There’s so much finger pointing and blame when I think we all need to be honest about our motivations.  Many women want to be more involved in their Kids lives than their husbands do.  That doesn’t make either side bad, it’s just a factor to consider when strategizing finances.  [/quote]

I agree with women wanting to be more involved in their kids lives than their husbands do, but the expectation on the women to be more involved also comes from the husbands. I don't know if it is biological or societal. I think it is a bit of both.

My DH is willing to do  daily stuff with the kids that takes 20-30 minutes at a time.  So he was great with the physical care - changing diaper, giving baths, feeding.  He continues to cook and feed them (when asked) even now as they have grown to become teens. He is also willing to drive them to EC activities or take them to competitions during the weekend, but I have to take care of all the logistics and planning.

But, he is not the one to take the mental burden of their school work, emotional and mental health, socialization, long term planning.  That is my job. I need to figure out what is going on in their lives, set their goals, suss out their friends, make sure they are thriving mentally, socially, physically, emotionally, be clued in about their school, rules - daily, weekly, yearly, 5-yearly, 10-yearly plan of their lives.   He expects me to make my kids excel and be high achieving.  He expects his kids to be happy and secure.  He expects them to be socialized. He expects them to not miss out on any opportunity. He expects that I will have a plan that is custom-built for each child. He expects me to find the best tutors and coaches that will be a perfect match with my kids and supervise them. He expects me to be able to tutor them in any and all subjects from K-12 and beyond.   He thinks that he did well in providing his kids with a mother that has multiple college degrees and a problem solver.  Which means that they will get both the nurture and nature to succeed. His task is done. He will earn the money. I will make our kids into successful human beings.  Case closed.

In the end, I am the parent who agonizes internally about deadlines, resources, being hyper vigilant, understanding what's at stake. He is the parent who is chilled. Going to each kids event with his camera, not knowing enough to be mentally freaking out but absolutely assured that the kids will either win trophies OR will have a good experience. In any case, he has not invested the time and lifted the mental burden or prepared for failure. He is just in the moment. Floating happily.   [/quote]

I could have written this. Unless I missed it, you never said whether you’re happy with this arrangement. I am for the most part, but I occasionally resent that DH and I have such clearly differentiated roles. I sometimes think it would nice to have more of a balance but it’s easier and routine this way, and changing it up might make everyone grumpy and stressed out.[/quote]

This is my role and I am better at it than he is because I have been doing it since the beginning. I like the control and continuity of remaining in this role but I wish now, as the kids are teens in HS, that he was more aware so that he could be a resource/partner that I could lean on.   He is woefully uninformed about most things concerning their life and schooling and also completely uninterested/incapable in learning about them.  Now, when he does offer his input, it is like someone who came late to the table and has no context to what is going on. It is not helpful to me and it certainly rubs the kids the wrong way because he is so clueless.

This whole pandemic he has breezed through not knowing  or caring about DL or the college application process.   Not. One. Thing.  Which works most of the time but it also means I have to remain healthy and alive till my kids are settled because he cannot plan for their future at all.    I am not unhappy because he does his best to be a good provider and our kids will benefit from it all. I just feel that I might drop a few balls and  mess up now since  the kids are in HS and the college process has begun, and it is stressful to navigate it for the first time.

I am sure he feels the same about me as I have over time started to not carry the mental burden of some aspects of our lives and letting him handle it. The differentiation allows us to provide coverage in a consistent manner to different aspects of our lives, but while I feel that I can take on his roles efficiently if need be, I am not sure that he is capable of taking on my role if  our family is ever in that situation.  I am not complaining or unhappy. I am just stating that this is the way things are.  And most of the time I am perfectly happy with my role, and sometimes when I am not, I just deal. [/quote]

That is odd to be THAT uninvolved, especially about the kids' sports or college process/goals. Is he on the spectrum? [/quote]

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