Reply to Here's the thing I don't understand about husbands who don't help out

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As usual, 90% of the posts in this thread are internalized misogyny.

The one that offends me most is the idea that any woman who struggles with allocating household duties and childcare with her spouse has somehow failed by either:

1) Being too dumb to marry a "good" husband
2) Being too obtuse to realize her husband sucks more than other husbands
3) Being too lazy to train her "bad" husband
4) Being too incompetent to just do it herself
5) Being too high-strung to just accept less than perfect
6) Being too poor to just hire it out

Imagine what the world would be like if, instead of constantly trying to prove that we alone figured out how to solve gender inequality in our specific marriage by just being smarter or prettier or more organized than all the other lesser women. Imagine if instead we supported each other. Imagine if every time some man said "Whatever, you're never happy anyway so why should I try", all the women backed that man's wife up and said "No, dumbass, you need to try harder."

But no, let's just keep doing this instead. It's working out GREAT. :roll:

[/quote]

Well said. Thank you.[/quote]

I think it is difficult because there are two types of people here. People who could hold their husbands to a hire standard and women who are legitimately in shi**y relationships.

I'm honestly not sure what the latter want. If you suggest ways they could improve, they say those won't work and if you suggest leaving they say that won't work. And in some ways I fully believe them. But I do believe you can always leave if you are motivated enough, and I honestly don't know what the point is in just saying, 'ok I agree you are in a very difficult situation that has no easy solution so you should just endure it for the rest of your life'.

Men should be held to a higher standard and rise to it, women should not have to live with it, I fully fully agree with those two propositions, and yet I still feel like my posts are at least somewhat the kind of thing you're talking about.  [/quote]

I agree. And the women who hold their husbands to high standards - they can’t even imagine what these horrible men are like because they wouldn’t even have dated them. That story about the guy who brought in a dish washer technician to prove his gf wrong? I would have been so out of there. I would never even entertain craziness like that.

This guy who leaves his kids in a dirty diaper then abuses his wife when she speaks up? Oh hell no. [/quote]

Many women are raised to have low self-esteem and to be deferential and accommodate others. It is incredibly hard to learn to stand up for yourself as an adult when, for your entire life, your parents and every other authority figure has punished you for speaking up, disagreeing, or advocating for yourself. And even when you do, there are still often people who will accuse you of being entitled or tell you that you’re not attractive or special enough to have high standards from men or others in your life.

This problem misogyny and internalized misogyny. It’s not an individual woman’s specific problem that she is just refusing to solve by taking your advice. It is a system designed to oppress women by convincing them they deserve to be oppressed. You can’t fight it by telling these women to just “have higher standards.” [/quote]

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