Reply to How to survive an unhappy marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]^YES!  I just don’t understand why not discuss with your spouse to open up marriage or divorce. I don’t understand why cheating is the only option.

Also, this idea of fluid monogamy, based on whenever you feel justified in stepping out of marriage, is also something I would want to understand in my partner before marriage. Hopefully these people would speak the truth when asked about their thoughts on monogamy but I don’t trust that they would speak the truth.  I’ve never heard monogamy defined as conditional commitment.  This would be a deal breaker for me and would want to know in advance.

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I doubt that such a conversation would tell you much.  It's just not in the parties' minds. I'm in a sexless marriage.  My wife and I actually did discuss the importance of sex in a relationship before we were married.  And we agreed on that point.  I'm sure it never occurred to my wife that she would want to stay married while ending sex. Just as it never occurred to me whether such an unforeseen situation would "justify" infidelity.  [/quote]

So what do you recommend?  I think the discussion around whether monogamy is conditional would bear fruit?  Some people are committed and wouldn’t cheat vs. some who will justify their action to cheat.  How do you gauge what is their character?  How do you gauge the ones who won’t and will do the right thing (divorce, counseling etc.).  There are many men around me who would do the right thing.[/quote]

Denying your spouse is the wrong thing.

Not everyone is a "wear a hair shirt, suffer in silence and hope for reward in the afterlife" type.

Not everyone will present the other cheek after you slap them across the face.  Some people slap back.  That's not a character flaw.[/quote]

I'm not trying to come off as a saint or any type of study in Christian charity.  And I haven't said anything bad about anyone who has advocated declaring the marriage open or even having a discreet affair.  My entire point is that everyone, on both sides, is so positive that they know what is factually true and ethically right in these situations.  And I'm not sure at all.

This is an anonymous board, so I don't expect people to know about post histories, but I've been honest that a very big reason that neither infidelity nor declaring the marriage open seems like much of a solution for me, is because this has done a number on my self-esteem and I'd be terrified to try.

What I do believe, and what you can disagree with or decide is inapplicable to your situation, is that my wife didn't develop an aversion to sex with me to punish me.  That doesn't give her a complete pass.  She knows that's what it feels like to me and she knows that I wish she were more proactive about that.  But I also know that she has, at times, felt like she was drowning as she tried to juggle a high-stress job and young children and the loss of a parent.  And that I haven't always been able to provide her with what she needs to deal with that.  It took me a long time to learn that taking all the blame for that and self-flagellating was no more productive than casting her as a villain in my mind.  So I'm trying to work on myself while still learning to be generous with myself and to set limits on what I'll take the blame for.

My drought has not been a particularly short one (I'm not counting in weeks or even months), but you're right that the picture may be very different in one year.  I don't intend to stay celibate forever, and if it looks like that can't be resolved within my marriage then hopefully I'll be in a headspace to trust myself to end the marriage.  But even if the situation becomes untenable, I hope I'm still able to be charitable to my wife.  Because I know this isn't what she wants either.

In any case, if I felt that I was being dealt an intentional "slap" and needed to slap back, I would think that I would be in divorce territory and not open marriage territory.  If my motivation were to hurt my wife in retaliation for hurting me, I think I'd be beyond seeking away to preserve the marriage.[/quote]

I wish you luck.

Perhaps one day soon you will find a way, together, to resolve the situation.  Therapy seems like a good idea.

It seems to me that if both of you are truly upset about it,  couples therapy would be a no brainer.[/quote]

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