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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

The suggestions in this thread are killing what little hope I have. They all boil down to re-raising this man-child and sending him to therapy/treatment while I continue to slave, in the hopes he may be remotely useful one day. And that is even assuming I can convince him he needs help. All of this is a huge ask and not feasible in our current lives.

I know the “right” thing to say here is that I am going to spend what little free time I have helping him get better, but I can’t do this. I cannot parent this helpless adult. I have carried him for almost a decade now and am out of patience and love. I am angry and tired and wish I had never met him. It is simply not fair to ask women (who would ask this of a man?) to take on so much.

[b]I have about 5 years to go until DD is old enough to take care of herself[/b] in a shared custody scenario. In the meantime, I am ready to give up on him and cheat to get by.

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NP. It doesn’t get easier when the kids get older. I’m sorry to say that I speak from experience. Yes, when DD was a baby, XDH left her alone on our bed and she rolled off and got a concussion that required a trip to the doctor. Even with grocery lists, XDH often left a bag or two in the grocery store/in the cart after paying for them.

But when your kids are older, their schedules get much more complicated with sports and after-school things, and with getting homework done. Somebody has to make sure they get homework done, and that will be you. Getting homework done will be harder ina shared custody arrangement. When your kids are in high school, your DH may be threatened by them, as mine was, and try to undermine them. (XDH refused to help pay for DD’s Ivy, bought DS a sports car instead, and constantly told DS not to bother studying, that 9-5 jobs are for losers, and so on. XDH left when DS had one more year of high school and tried to lure DS to stay with him via the sports car and promising that they would be like roommates instead of parent-child relationship—but guess what, DS chose to spend his entire senior year with me and told me recently he thinks XDH “didn’t care enough” to help him get into college. I’m still trying to roll all that back, with some success I’m happy to say. DS is now in college and has a summer job only because I pushed.)

I took the view that I had to stay in the marriage until the kids were in college. I feared the psychological damage XDH could do to them as teens as much as the physical risk when they were young.

Many marriages involving ADHD devolve into unhappy parent-child-type relationships. There are books to help mitigate this because, I know, it sucks. But first your DH has to get a diagnosis and you both have to acknowledge it. [/quote]

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