Reply to DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Comparing his first 7 years to her last 3 years isn't apples to oranges. He had the entire financial burden of the family to carry. That's not to blame her -- she was doing her part by maintaining the home front. But the fact is that she's not confronting a similar financial situation when making decisions about how to balance work and family. [/quote]

OP isn’t worried about the financial burden, apparently. He just cannot handle the burden of deciding if it’s spaghetti or filet for dinner every night, and thinks this should be up to his wife. Well, that and the whole she should be available for sex thing.

OP had his wife’s support for YEARS, in a much more difficult transaction (being SAH). She supported his needs and wants for years. He wouldn’t likely be in the position he is now without her. Her income after many years out of the workforce is nothing to sneeze at, plus it sounds she feels work is part of her identity. It’s her turn. What he is being asked to do is no more than a lot of women are this board are tasked with.

I just think OP likes to feel like “the man” and has certain gender role sterotypes in his mind, whether he sees it or not. [/quote]

You are so absorbed in your political rhetoric that [b]you've lost sight of the fact that this woman is spending almost zero time with her children[/b].  That is not the norm for working moms.[/quote]

You made that up. She's home for dinner at least 4 nights a week and spends all weekend with them.  More time than he spent with them when she was a SAHM.

People on this board are such zealots that they can't even argue from a position of good faith.[/quote]

Actually op never said one way or other what occurs on weekends, but that his wife is not home for 90 percent of weeknight dinners.  You actually are the one making assumptions that aren't based on what has been posted.[/quote]

He said point blank that she's home Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  He also said she dedicates all her energy to the kids and he's left with "scraps."  I get that you think you're really sticking it to feminists or whatever, but you're misrepresenting the thread.[/quote]

This is taken verbatim from op's first post  post:

know she is trying to make up for "lost" time and I don't mind that she works [b]but getting home at 8pm or later everyday does not a happy home make.[/b]That said, she really loves what she does and it shows. She pours her heart and soul into her work a[b]nd that leaves very little for us at home. What is leftover goes to the kids. [/b]

I guess the way we comprehend that -- "whatever is leftover" sounds like a lot less to me than you.  I've always made six figures as a working mom, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've missed dinner with my kids.  Arguing that this woman's home life is just like any other working woman is a farce.  [/quote]

Yes, that was the first post.  And this is from his response later: [i]OP here.

I can see both perspectives on the above and based on one of the PP's advice of talking about expectations, I think DW and I need to develop our own set of expectations for each other. I do think it's reasonable for her to be home at least twice a week for dinner. I don't think she needs to cook dinner because we can use something like galley or prepared foods that we can just heat up. The conversation at the table is different when everyone is there (the kids and I are definitely more sillier when mommy is not around) and DW and I talk more together when we're eating with the family - this is based on my observations of when we go out to eat on the weekends. [/i]

So yes, they go out to eat as a family every weekend.  She comes home for at least one weeknight meal a week to get to his 90% figure.  You're judging her for being [u]more present[/u] than he was when she was staying home.  Saying that no other working mom gets home late on weeknights -- that to say such a thing could be true is a "farce" -- is not true.  It's just you are fine with fathers checking out, putting "all their effort" into work, traveling frequently, etc., for the first SEVEN years of their kids' lives, but a mom missing some weeknight dinners and not being the person to pack lunches once they're in school is "almost zero time with her children" and "a complete farce."  This is, once again, you grinding an axe.  Not factual or even reasonable.[/quote]

Nope, do you read?  I have said repeatedly that every parent should  be home by dinnertime the majority of the time, [b]but op never said he was not since we are focusing on what was actually written. [/b] If he too missed 90 percent of weeknight dinners, that was bad parenting on his part.  One can work and not be described as giving their children "whatever is left over."  What axe exactly am I grinding that you find objectionable-- the parents should be spending weeknights with their children?[/quote]

DP, OP said his work was suffering for him being the one to come home for dinner every night. Tends to suggest that for work to go well, he can't be home as much. So if you're going to take this position, maybe you should also be talking about OP's need to find a different job where he won't face that conflict.[/quote]

So blame the parent who is currently spending time with the kid?  Your poor husband, you sure have it out for men.  BTW, he said 'The crazy part for me, is that I bring in 80% of our income and my job is suffering because[b] I have to take care of all the household activities.[/b]"

Believe or not,  women and men both can be bad parents.
[/quote]

Portable goalposts, that's handy![/quote]

Whatever, you are hopeless.  All you want to hear is that the dh is entirely at fault.  Ask yourself why that is.

[/quote]

You're interacting with different people.  You've gone from saying this woman is spending zero time with her kids (false) to saying she doesn't see them on the weekends (false) to saying any parent missing weeknight dinners is a bad parent (hmmm, maybe...) to saying, when confronted with proof that OP evidently was in the habit of missing dinners now that attending to dinners is getting him in trouble at work: don't blame him, he's the good one!  Your poor husband!  (hmmmmmmmmmm, apparently not!).

You do not allow any new information (not that it should be new, if you'd read the thread) to affect your preconceived idea that OP's wife is a bad mother, a claim he has never once made himself.  You don't seem very reasonable, and it's not clear what you're getting out of this thread other than to continuously assert that you are a better mother than a woman you've never met, on the basis of ... well that's the question.[/quote]

I think you are projecting -- I just agreed withpip that his wife was working too much.  Why have kids if you'd rather work late at the office, instead of seeing them and bringing work home to do afterwards, if you must?  This just seems to trigger a lot of posters who apparently regularly pick work over their kids, don't have sex with their husbands often, and look for sexism everywhere.
Typical DCUM, I guess.

Done with this thread, you can continue to argue why op is a horrible person, but his wife is an unappreciated martyr.[/quote]

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