Reply to What is it like to be a family at an elite NWDC Private who can just barely afford it?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I went to a private school in the late 90s with a lot of wealth, though none of it particularly ostentatious, and I was certainly on the lowest end of the full pay students.  My parents had good professional jobs - not doctors or lawyers, but they made good salaries. We definitely lived in a lesser house than we could have because of private school, and what some PPs are saying about resenting their parents for having little choice in the school choice matter resonates with me.

I had friends and did fine by myself socially, but I never really bought into the community and unlike many students, I wanted off campus as soon as the day was over. I am not sure if this is because I am more introverted and preferred relationships with my smaller circle of friends -- some of whom were very very rich and others who were on FA -- or because I didn't like the "scene." As an adult, I now know both of these things are true of me.

You will be keenly aware that others have much more and do much more. I saw this affect some friends not at all, and others a great deal (resulting in huge complexes and lifelong mistakes as a result of feeling less than). The thing is, you don't know how it'll affect a kid, and you don't know who their friends will be.

Yes, there were drugs. Some of my more social climbing friends tried them all. I never did.

As an adult, I admit to being jealous of my peers who have had homes bought for them, take their kids to Europe, and have very impressive pedigrees. Anyone who isn't a little jealous is lying. I also am aware and appreciate that a lot of my life experiences that are on the more fancy side are a direct results of where I went to private school, and that's neat I guess.

I wouldn't send my kid to a fancy private school, and I would perhaps consider private high school if the place we live at the time necessitates that option. [/quote]

So many things about this post resonate with me.  Our family did get FA, although my parents were both educated, working professionals.  It was an amazing education, and I still credit it to this day, to the extent that I really want my DC to have the same private school academic advantages.  However, I was one of those kids who really struggled with being a "have not".  It didn't take wealthy families "flaunting" their money, they were just living their lives but on a totally different scale.  They socialized at the same country clubs, not at the local pool, and we weren't in the same neighborhoods anyway so I wouldn't have run into them at the pool anyway.  Many of my classmates went to the same expensive summer camp every year, coming back even more bonded or with shared stories and experiences that I didn't have.  My senior year I finally got an old hand-me-down car from a family member so that I didn't have to ride the school bus my last year. It definitely looked out of place parked next to the late-model Saabs and BMWs that more than a few of my friends drove. Some of them were also their parents' used cars, but again they started from a different financial level.

Like PP, as an adult I still struggle with crushing feelings of envy when friends seem to have more.  DH and I are both highly educated professionals, but in this town most people are and you never know the background of other people's financial situation.

This is what makes me think long and hard for DC.  Will my child be more comfortable and fit in despite the income disparities, or will the left-outedness also have a long-term impact?
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I really think that this is an important point. Thanks for posting.

I see this over and over and over in families who live in neighborhoods or go to schools that they can barely afford. A sense of inadequacy because the lifestyle of those around you is a different level than yours. We have chosen to live in one of the most inexpensive houses in our neighborhood and we drive very old cars. I guess we are typical American millionaires, but we are much wealthier than our lifestyle looks to the outside. That gives us a strong sense of security and we can use the money for things that are important to us, like college and travel. I guess each family is different but I think one of the unintended consequences of stretching to a neighborhood or private school is this feeling of "less than" than can be insidious. [/quote]

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