Reply to When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

Have you and wife discussed frequency? No? Well go do that!! Agree on a mutually acceptable "times per week" for sex.
Have you and wife discussed the best days/times for you to initiate sex (meaning [i]when is she feeling most sexual and receptive[/i])?
Have you and wife discussed the best way(s) for you to initiate? 
Have you and wife discussed your preferred ways(s) for her to decline? Hint: rather than her just saying NO, she could suggest a specific time in the near future for you to try again

After you have all these answers, and you are both on the same page in these key areas, things are really quite simple.
You now will know exactly HOW and WHEN and HOW OFTEN to initiate sex, and if (despite all this good planning) she STILL happens to decline, well she will tell you exactly when to re-initiate.
All you need to do now is stay within these parameters. Not only will she never be "surprised" by your initiation, she may even begin to anticipate it (in a good way).

Please don't tell me you are one of these sexless marriage guys who insist that SHE initiate?[/quote]

All of this assumes that her intellectual thoughts about sex line up with her body's feelings about sex and that she actually knows what she wants. Times per week? Intellectually, she thinks once a week would be good. Her body is probably in the mood once a month. Result is sex twice a month, one of which is any good. I ask her what turns her on. She says she doesn't know. She "wants to want to have sex."

I initiate more than she does, but we pretty much only have sex the times she initiates. Results in me initiating a lot less. [/quote]

Was she more into sex before marriage?[/quote]

Our drives were pretty well balanced until the second kid came along - once or twice a week; neither of us had terrifically high drives. But, after the birth of the second - that's when the wheels came off (or, I suppose during the second pregnancy, but pregnancy is such a tough time in my mind it "didn't count." Kids are 9 & 10 now. I didn't really speak up about my dissatisfaction until 2 or 3 years ago. I was waiting out the infant & toddler years, hoping things would get better when the kids went to school and my wife had more kid-free time. My patience ended during a period when we went 2 months without sex. Since then, we've had a few discussions. The discussions always end up with her crying because she feels like a bad wife and she wants to want to have sex but just doesn't. That's followed by a period where the relationship is awkward because of the hurt feelings from the sex talk but also where we have more sex because we're making it more of a priority.

The only time during the past few years where the sex was notably good was when she read the 50 Shades series. During that period, she responded favorably to my initiations, and, consequently, I initiated more aggressively and more frequently. After that, I suggested she read more erotica. She agreed that it helped but for some reason hasn't made the effort to read any more erotic novels and the like. [/quote]

Wow, not the OP or the PP but I could have written this about my DW to the letter.  I ended up having a brief affair.  I didn't feel bad about it.  Amazing to see what I was missing, life with sexual passion is so much more worth living.

Good luck, sorry to hear your wives aren't willing to make an effort.  You sound like good men.[/quote]

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