Reply to When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
So, how do you navigate that narrow passage. I flirt with my wife and get a stony, uninterested response that indicates, "aww crap, not this again." How do you know when pushing ahead will be unwelcome and, therefore, rapey versus when pushing ahead will be a well-received aggressive initiation. No means no, after all.[/quote]

[quote=Anonymous]
OP here.  I don't know if my DW had every truly rejected a sexual advance, except when she was sick.  I had a couple of episodes where I tried and continued to playfully initiate when she was clearly not in the mood.  She relented, but it was pretty obvious she was annoyed to be having sex.

Let me assure you of something: there is a BIG difference between allowing your wife to be your sexual outlet even if she isn't in the mood when the outlet (blow jobs, quickies) comes from a place of love, i.e. she isn't in the mood but she really enjoys bringing her husband pleasure.  Conversely, it is soul crushing to push for sex with someone who is clearly wishing you would just get off of her so she can get back to Real Housewives of _____"  Surely you see the difference.   While there are obviously better ways to initiate than others (playful flirtation vs. sulking demands) to suggest that the problem in high v. low drive marriages is merely that people don't initiate properly nonsense.

For what it's worth, when my DW suggested I just fuck her if I need it so bad, I tried to explain how humiliating that can be.  Imagine if she was the high drive spouse, I had no desire:  She comes to the living room, dressed sexy with a glass of wine.  Flirts and touches me suggestively.  I tell her to give me 20 minutes until SportsCenter is over, then go into the bedroom, pull down her pants, push a vibrator on her, seem totally distracted during her orgasm, and get up immediately after and go back to the couch.  Would anyone here dare suggest my DW should just be fine that I allowed her to use me as an outlet when she initiated so what does she have to complain about?[/quote]

Have you and wife discussed frequency? No? Well go do that!! Agree on a mutually acceptable "times per week" for sex.
Have you and wife discussed the best days/times for you to initiate sex (meaning [i]when is she feeling most sexual and receptive[/i])?
Have you and wife discussed the best way(s) for you to initiate? 
Have you and wife discussed your preferred ways(s) for her to decline? Hint: rather than her just saying NO, she could suggest a specific time in the near future for you to try again

After you have all these answers, and you are both on the same page in these key areas, things are really quite simple.
You now will know exactly HOW and WHEN and HOW OFTEN to initiate sex, and if (despite all this good planning) she STILL happens to decline, well she will tell you exactly when to re-initiate.
All you need to do now is stay within these parameters. Not only will she never be "surprised" by your initiation, she may even begin to anticipate it (in a good way).

Please don't tell me you are one of these sexless marriage guys who insist that SHE initiate?[/quote]

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