Reply to Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

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Reply to "Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.)  He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.[/quote]

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.[/quote]

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.[/quote]

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?[/quote]

Actually, it’s the husband who is doing the demanding and giving an ultimatum. The default in the hospital when the spouses have different last names is that the new baby is called by mom’s name “Baby Smith”. If they want something different on the birth certificate then they need to specify that.[/quote]

This is such a reach. There was no angst at either hospital when naming my two children, who have different last names from me.

I hate these flimsy arguments. OP just needs to have an actual conversation to express her feelings on the matter. Her ultimatum was: kids shall not have your name and I'm not discussing it. That may very well be her opinion, but don't expect anyone to react well to that -- no matter the topic. [/quote]

This explains why posters here are having a hard time with any situation that isn't the traditional woman-takes-husband's name. Many of them barely know how to read.[/quote]

DH was a bit taken aback when I told him that I wanted to keep my name. I was gentle, yet firm, about it because I loved him. I gave him a moment to come around and didn't browbeat him as a way to solve for my own discomfort in disappointing him.

These things happen in a marriage. If you want to make a go of it, conversation and empathy go a long way. A couple of weeks later it was a non-issue and now nearly 30 years later...[/quote]

OP's boyfriend wasn't "a bit taken aback".[/quote]

She said he "assumed." Which is exactly how my DH was in the moment, he assumed.

I can guarantee OP and I went about it differently. I didn't think my DH was an @sshole or anti-women, which is what OP just suddenly assumes.

They both made assumptions and now they're both offended. I agree that based on their communication style, their marriage will likely fail. [/quote]

And then she offered to hyphenate the child. He said no. He wanted her to have his name fir the sake of a family unit, so she offered him to take his name and he got offended. Do you know how to read?[/quote]

You and OP are so dramatic. Look how that turned out for OP, offended herself and making assumptions, exactly now is exactly the same position as her BF.

The sad thing is if OP would had better communication skills and would have been the tiniest bit empathetic, she might have been able to win over a man to overlook a traditional convention. Which might have even emboldened him to examine his other beliefs about the patriarchy.

Instead, we have a thread of women digging in their heels on both sides, which doesn't win over anyone.

We don't need a flimsy excuse to justify either position -- if you want to change your name, you need no other reason. No, it's not harder at the hospital. Likewise, if you don't want to change your name, you need no other reason. No, teachers won't be befuddled.

This thread is a macro expression of her micro experience.

[/quote]

Ah yes, beautifully said. If only she were softer and explained it to him like he was a toddler, he wouldn't be such a raging asshoie.  :roll:  :roll:  :roll: [/quote]

Thank you. I like saying things[b] beautifully[/b] to everyone I encounter. Especially the people I love. Being combative in my earlier years didn't work for me. 
[/quote]

This is a very sexist way of thinking. Somehow you think the tone is important when we have no evidence that her tone was harsh.  If anything he could have handled it 'not beautifully' and you would still blame the woman.  What if he argued back and was rude to her for even suggesting!

So tired of women being blamed.  I changed my name but I regret it.  Still married though[/quote]

I really think you're projecting based on your own regret. I don't think my comment is sexist because I'm interpreting it based on how OP presented it. It sounded like the heat of the moment, and it sounds like she dug in her heels and then said she'd never name the kids his last name. I also said you could substitute any argument to show that you can't spring things on people and then get mad at them because they need a minute. I don't think showing empathy in a conversation is treating someone like a toddler.

My point is that OP wanted something, and she didn't get it. So, yes, in a sense the blame is on her. In a perfect world her DH would say with enthusiasm, "Yes, I love your last name and want all of our children to have it." But, he didn't. I really don't think that makes him an @sshole without any further context.

I suppose we'll just disagree. I like DH to say things beautifully to me when he knows he's going to disappoint me. I expect that from him, to be frank.

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