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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There isn't a simple answer.

My bff is a doctor married to a hs teacher. She has been so grateful that he was able to be there for their family and do heavy lifting with childcare, cooking, etc., while she was working a gazillion hours a week. At the same time, she also considers him a bit of beta and deeply resents the financial pressure she has been under the entire time they have been raising their family. His salary alone wouldn't have even gotten them a nice apartment in this area, let alone the house they live in. She also feels like he spends "her money" too easily (for example she recently was saying she wanted to go on vacay but didn't have the time/energy/inclination to do all of the planning and then said "DH loves doing it, but he'll pick a place that costs $1000 a night! He loves spending the money I work so hard for!").  [/quote]

I feel like this came up in another thread. People were asking how this happened and I thought this analogy was spot on, except "Jacks" rarely stay in amazing shape haha.

OP, be really careful about this.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/45/1174035.page

[quote]So it goes something like this. Larla is 25 and living in a big city. She has big professional dreams and has landed herself a job at McKinsey/Davis Polk/whatever. She would have loved to meet a nice ambitious guy in grad school, but it didn’t work out, and sometimes those are the breaks. She works long hours - often too long- and it’s hard to find a partner. But then she meets Jack. Wonderful, sweet Jack. Who cooks her breakfast in bed, doesn’t seem to get upset by her intense travel schedule, and genuinely seems like a solid guy. Sure, there are some signs he lacks ambition. He likes his job, but doesn’t love it. He sometimes talks about taking shortcuts at work, which he and Larla brush off with a laugh. Larla sees these things but thinks, Hey. No one gets everything. Plus, maybe I’ll prefer being with someone who helps me invest in my career and see how far I can go. Things are going along well and they get engaged two years later.

A decade later, Jack is in the same job. He likes it, but doesn’t love it, but is far too comfortable to change anything. Larla is now a partner at her big firm. It wasn’t what she expected, but she likes the job enough, is good enough at it, and it pays very well. Plus she knows no one will pay her this much money doing anything else. She begins to resent the hours and Jack himself. He loves her for sure, but isnt very ambitious and won’t kick it into high drive so she can take a step back. Unlike a lot of supporting husbands, Jack does his share (pick up, shopping, cooking, their cleaning lady, drop off) but somehow Larla still manages the nanny and has to keep track of school spirit week. To make matters worse, she and Jack see the partners’ wives at the annual firm dinner. She used to look down on these women - not smart enough to make partner, not driven even to get a job like hers, not much beyond a cute face. But she envies them. She knows their lives aren’t perfect, but gosh, she sort of wants to be taken care of just a little bit. She wants her career, but wants it to be secondary so she can be the super fit mom on the beach who wears a bikini while she plays with her kids. Instead, her expensive designer suits cover up the 15 pounds she never lost from her last pregnancy.

She knew who Jack was a decade ago, but she didn’t fully understand her choice by then. And as he works his chill job, stays in great shape, and takes a liking to 5 star hotels (that she pays for!) she is RESENTFUL.

Thats how it happens.[/quote][/quote]

That’s seriously Larla’s problem of not knowing what she wanted.  She looked down on those women for having to ask the husbands for tampons money and now she wants to be taken care of.  She thinks she would lose 15 pounds if only her husband earned more money.  You know the saying wherever you go there you are - this is  Larla who would be resentful no matter what [/quote]

100%. Larla is definitely responsible for her choices.

I think the broader point, and this relates to the charges of sexism above, is that it's really hard to "change the weather" when it comes to gender dynamics. Most women, no matter how low ambition or passive they are - want a man who is [i]more[/i] ambitious than them, [i]more[/i] assertive than them etc. So high achieving HBS alum Larla is fighting what some would say is a primal instinct to want HBS Chad. It's no different than men valuing beauty in women. Can't change the weather.

And I agree teaching is an honorable profession. But for everyone there who is working hard to change the world, there are some who are mostly there for the summers off and relatively low-performance expectations. I assume the PP with the doctor friend is moreso talking about that.[/quote]

What's wrong with wanting summers off? Why does EVERYONE in DCUM land have to be so go go go all the time?[/quote]

You don't think it's an issue when the DW is having to go go go all the time to pay the bills, including college tuition, to the extent that she feels resentful and exhausted and the DH is spending his summers off sitting in their basement playing World of Warcraft and watching Star Wars and re-reading LOTR for the fifth time?

[/quote]

Sorry but this is the real world. If women want to equality you will have to actually do what men do including the resentment of carrying your spouse who does not provide. Man up![/quote]

And when will men do what women do and take all the risks and financial hits of having kids.

Equality means bringing equal value to the table. The kids count for part of the woman’s contribution and the man needs to make it up somewhere— most men make it up in financials some make it up in doing more with the house and kids.[/quote]

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