Reply to is volleyball really a "mean girl" sport??

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I feel like only girls that feel on the periphery of some made of social hierarchy they want to be part of call other girls “mean girls”

Girls that are confident in themselves and have independent thought don’t feel the need to tear others down [/quote]

Completely agree. But why think of confident girls as complex, decent, flawed, normal, nice kids? Better to vilify them and blame them for everything that's going wrong!! [/quote]

Girls who are mean are NOT confident. "Mean girl" behavior, including gossip, exclusion, ostracism, back-handed compliments and other forms of relational aggression, [b]are ALL forms of insecurity.[/b] Girls who engage in this behavior feel insecure in themselves or their social position, usually both.

Girls who are just confident don't engage in any of these behaviors because they don't feel the need to. Why would they gossip? It's unkind and they have better things to talk about than what other students do. Why would they exclude others? Confident kids are inclusive because, hey, the person you rope into an activity might turn out to be cool or an interesting friend, why not? They don't ostracize because they don't feel the need to elevate themselves by putting a target on anyone else. And they don't engage in back-handed compliments or other passive-aggressive behaviors because confident kids say what they mean and mean what they say, and also have no reason to engage in put downs.

So yes, confident girls exist and sometimes people are envious of their confidence. But when people talk about "mean girls," they are NOT talking about confident kids. The most confident kids in my high school, or my kid's high school, would never get this label because they don't engage in any of these behaviors.

Now, there are kids who are arrogant (not confident), rude, competitive, and constantly putting people down, and I'm sure some of their parents think "Oh wow, look how *confident* my DD is when she laughs at other girls and spreads rumors. I'm just overwhelmed with her confidence! So proud." But we all know what "confident" means in that situation.[/quote]

this is BS calculated to make us feel sorry for the bullies. poor things, they are only doing it because they feel so bad about themselves.

in reality, kids with low self esteem do not have capacity or social support to execute exclusion, bullying etc. it is led by the confident girls, with the assistance of the cowardly ones.[/quote]

I'm the PP and I don't say this to make anyone feel sorry for bullies. I say it so that parents understand that when their kids engage in these behaviors, it is not a sign of "confidence." It's a sign that these kids don't feel good about themselves and will therefore tear down others to elevate themselves. It is not a compliment or even a plea for empathy. It's information.

And it's true. Though I'll also note that not all insecure kids become bullies. I think insecurity manifests two ways -- externalized and internalized. Some kids internalize their insecurity and these kids become very self-critical, often shy or meek-mannered. What is disturbing is that in really toxic "mean girl" dynamics (which can also exist with boys though it's more insidious with girls who are socialized for passive aggression and fake niceness) is that it's usually one group of insecure kids terrorizing another group of insecure kids. And often there is movement in the groups, and the terrorized can become the terrorizers. But it's just a group of insecure kids working out their insecurities on each other.

I blame parents, and to a lesser extent schools and other institutions working with these kids, for failing to understand and address the behavior. But as the kids get older I think you also have to hold them accountable. There are plenty of bullies in adulthood too, and they are also insecure. But they need  to do something about it.[/quote]

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