Reply to the case for not divorcing

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[quote=Anonymous]My observation is that the people whose marriages fall apart when kids are young tend to be people who have a lot of immaturity and therefor their divorces also tend to be pretty bad for the kids. Of course people like this view it as a choice between being miserable in their marriage or having the kind of contentious divorce where they snipe at each other via text messages and do drop offs at each others houses without speaking. These are emotionally immature people. That's why their marriage didn't work during the challenging little kid years, and it's also why they can't pull it together enough to be functional coparents and make some sacrifices even in divorce (like limiting where they live, agreeing to ground rules about new relationships, even postponing remarriage or not having more kids with new partners) for the sake of their existing children.

You don't have to tell someone who is emotionally mature that divorce is not ideal for kids, or that being a parent means giving up some of your comfort or ease or wants in order to give kids what they need. They know. They will not wind up in a marriage where they fight all the time because emotionally mature people have the communication and problem solving skills to resolve conflict without constant fighting and sniping at each other. They might go to couples therapy but it has a better chance of actually working because they have qualities like humility, not needing to get the last word in always, being willing to compromise. If they truly cannot work it out for some reason (infidelity, mental illness, a fundamental lack of love or respect), they STILL have the maturity to divorce in a way that will minimize negative impacts on kids, putting their kids' needs first even in the divorce.

I do think kids are better off in a family with two parents and not shuttling between families. But there is a way to divorce without really harming the kids. It's just that the people most likely to divorce tend not to have the skills to pull that off, because their inability to work through their issues in their marriage will often lead to being unable to work through their issues in divorce.[/quote]

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