Reply to This is weaponized incompetence, yes? What to do about it?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DH is generally a good partner and dad. We get along. This isn't a post about how I hate him and want to change everything about him or should never have gotten married.

But I do think he "weaponizes incompetence" often. Meaning he claims to be incapable of doing things (generally related to parenting or cleaning) in order to get out of them. Examples:

- We have an extremely picky eater who eats a pretty narrow range of foods. We work with a nutritionist and our pediatrician to address the pickiness and ensure she gets enough to eat. He claims all the time he doesn't know what to feed her even though he attends these appointments and talks to these people. He "forgets" basic rules our nutritionist has given us for feeding her, like not giving her large portion sizes of anything and making sure she always has at least 3 things on her plate. I agree it's a PITA but he claims he is simply incapable of doing these things. If left to his own devices, he will give her a bowl of cereal for any meal because he can't remember what else she will eat.

- He claims not to understand how the vacuum cleaner works. There was an incident many years ago where he used the "wrong" setting on a rug and it kind of messed up the rug. It wasn't an expensive rug and it lived in the play room and no one really cared. Since then he simply does not vacuum and if I ask him to vacuum he'll say "I don't want to mess it up, can you do it." The mistake he made is one anyone could make.

- He claims not to understand which cleaning supplies are needed for which tasks, and as a result will only clean the bathroom if I literally set out the cleaning materials and say "this is for the toilet, this is for the shower" etc.

- He defers to me on anything related to school, even though he receives all the school communications and there is no reason I would know more about any of it than he does. But he makes it sound like it's all a mystery, like who could possibly know when grades come out or that there is a school event on Friday. It's literally there on his phone, he even gets alerts and texts, and yet he talks to me like I am the oracle of all things school.

How do you address stuff like this? Again, generally a good parent and partner but he does this stuff and I'm like "You're 45, you have an advanced degree, you manage to figure this stuff out at work." I know people will say "get cleaners" for the cleaning stuff but that won't address the underlying issue which is this tendency to pretend like he's incompetent in order to force me to do things he doesn't want to do.[/quote]

Your definition of "generally a good partner and dad" is wildly different from mine  :shock: [/quote]

Ok, but he does do all kinds of stuff. He does pickup/dropoff twice a week. Helps with homework. He cooks for the rest of the family at least once a week and makes enough for leftovers. He does laundry without being asked. He is kind and thoughtful towards me, will make me tea every morning or tell me to go get a workout in on the weekend while he does stuff with the kids. He's generally a kind and thoughtful parent and partner.

My issue isn't even that he doesn't want to do this stuff. If he told me "I hate vacuuming, what if you do that and I'll do something else instead," I'd be totally fine with that. If he problem solved with me about the picky eating and was like "ugh, I know I'm not getting this or following what they told us to do, maybe I need to work on this to come up with something that makes more sense to me" I'd welcome that-- like I said, the stuff we do on that front us a PITA and the only reason I've bought in is that we had reached a point where she was literally eating nothing but bread and berries and sometimes not even that and that's just not a functional diet.

It's specifically the problem of watching this 45 yr old man act like this stuff is simply beyond his mental capacity that drives me crazy. It's obviously not. Why does he pretend?[/quote]

I'm a wife and I'll say I don't know how the internet/cable works in our house, I don't know how to do anything with our cars except fill them gas/plug them in and drop them off somewhere, I don't know how to work the grill, I don't know anything about the garden or landscaping. I don't care to learn. Those are my husband's areas, and it's not worth it to have us both know 100% about everything anyway because that's not efficient. Conversely, he doesn't know what size clothes our kids wear (all girls), what is in our Amazon Subscribe and Save list, what kind of shampoo/conditioner/body wash the kids use, or what sort of stain treatments I use on laundry. Now, we both know how to fully take care of our children, who their teachers are and what they need for school, doctors/dentists and when and where appointments are, travel, everything related to the dogs, etc. So many things we do 50/50 (the things we think are important in terms of who does what), and other things we are each 100% responsible for. (And some things, like house cleaning, we outsource).

It sounds like your husband does do a lot and is otherwise pretty thoughtful. It's possible that the things you listed are difficult for him for some reason. To this day, my mom has trouble with the TV remote, cannot work an iPad to save her life, and never charges her cell phone. She has never been good at that kind of stuff despite being a CPA who worked for the biggest bank in the US doing multi-billion dollar loans. I would probably choose the things you can just accept 100% responsibility for so that you don't get annoyed that he doesn't participate in those things, and have a discussion about the big items. If it were me, I'd tackle the food thing. [/quote]

Ok, but do you act like those things you don't know anything about are beyond your understanding, or do you just say "yes, DH handles that so I haven't bothered to learn." It seems like a subtle difference but it's actually big, because in one instance you are acknowledging a division of labor and in the other you are acting helpless to avoid doing something.

It's the acting helpless/stupid, that is the problem. I have things I either don't like to do, or DH does them better than I would, or I would handle in another way that might not be to his liking. For instance, while handy with cars and carpentry, I am intimidated by plumbing and electrical and if we have issues in those areas, my attitude is that we can either hire someone or DH can handle. I am fine either way and if we hire someone, I'm happy to do it. DH prefers to try and figure it out himself by watching some YouTube videos and ordering parts online, and likes saving money this way. That's great, I support him in this. But I don't act helpless about it. In fact, I probably could also figure out how to do those things myself by watching videos and making an effort. It's just not worth it to me and if I lived alone I'd just hire someone.

This is different than standing there looking bewildered about something and waiting for your spouse to come over and do it for you. Or saying stuff like "oh, I would LOVE to be the one handling all the school stuff, but my wife is just naturally better at it," which is both a lie (actually he would not love to handle it) and also diminishes the fact that his wife actually puts effort into it and it's not just magically easy for her.

The comparison to your mom is actually an interesting one because it's common for older people to have trouble with technology, because they didn't grow up with it. I do feel sympathetic towards my mom about this, as she is like your mom. But I've also noticed that not all older people are this way, and the difference is generally not natural aptitude for technology. It's willingness to learn. My mom doesn't understand email or cell phones because, on some level, she doesn't want to. Her sister understands these things because she's decided it's worth it to her. So even though I'm sympathetic to how it must be harder to learn this stuff when the technology didn't even exist until you were in your 60s or 70s, I also think there is an element of feigned incompetence there, because it is easier for my mom to get someone else to do that stuff for her than to figure it out herself. I'm not the one doing it for her all the time (my dad, my aunt, or my brother and his wife generally are) so it doesn't bother me that much. But I do think she could figure it out if she tried.[/quote]

PP here. I mean, I could open my car’s user manual and see what kind of oil it needs, google where to buy it (or get it from Amazon? I have no idea), and then watch a You Tube video to figure out how to put it in but I just don’t, basically because I don’t want to. So it’s a division of labor but also I guess a forced one? Like my husband is forced to put oil in the car because I just won’t deal with it. (Although I’m not an idiot so obviously if he refused to help I’d figure it out, I wouldn’t keep driving my car with no oil in it until something happened to it).

Same with the grill. It’s charcoal and I’m sure it’s not rocket science to figure out how it works but I’d rather just cook the chicken another way or use the skillet on the stove to make a burger, etc., even though I will acknowledge that I prefer certain foods grilled. So if we’re having burgers for dinner, then my husband better finish his work and be in the kitchen in time to make them. Conversely, if we’re having spaghetti, either one of us can make that.

I’m guessing your husband doesn’t like vacuuming, and he doesn’t like cleaning bathrooms, so he figures it’s easier to say he doesn’t know how than to do it. Clearly he can read the bottle of cleaner or Google which attachment to use for various surfaces but he doesn’t want to. At the end of the day, I believe if you were let’s say deployed for six months he would have someone else clean (and if my husband were gone for six months I’d probably just eat burgers out so I wouldn’t end up having to figure out the grill). I will say that if my husband said to me “I’m getting really frustrated because I feel like I’m always the one who has to grill and since the kids always pick grilled things for dinner I’m making dinner all the time and I need some help” I’d be willing to figure it out. But we communicate well and are happy so I know that’s not the case. I wonder if your husband thinks this stuff doesn’t bother you so that’s why he keeps doing it?

As I said before, it sounds like you mostly have a great marriage and he’s a really good and thoughtful partner, so that’s great. I would probably push on the kid food thing because personally that’s not something I would be willing to shoulder 100% on my own. Maybe if you discuss it with him it’ll give you some insight into why he seems incompetent in the other areas. But my guess, based on myself, is that he doesn’t care to learn and he doesn’t see a downside to putting those things wholly on you.

Also, my mom could use our remote back in the 90’s so she’s always been technically challenged! I actually don’t think it’s a willingness to learn there - I think she has serious issues with technology and this day and age of course it’s a bigger deal than it used to be. [/quote]

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