Reply to I hate “guy trips”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op - what frustrates me is that I am 100% the default parent. I typically do all the drop offs, pick ups, make food, do laundry etc.

But I expect him to help around the house with the kids. Instead he is sleeping until 7:30 (on a week day!) and now will rush to get ready to work and be all stressed because he has so much work to do.

I have been up since 6:30 getting myself ready, lunches, dealing with the dog, getting breakfast and all the kid stuff so they are on time for school. [/quote]

If you're 100% the default parent, then are you doing anything extra on these mornings? If you are I think you should talk to him about that, but if your day looks no different I don't think it's reasonable to be upset about what he's doing/how stressed he is, because it's not actually affecting you materially.

My wife sleeping to 7:30 while I feed the cat, make lunches, and do school drop off is every morning of my life and it has never occurred to me to be angry at her for sleeping rather than getting up and going to work; I do the same amount of work regardless. I'm fine with the arrangement of responsibilities, which is what matters, not what she's doing with time that I'm doing kid stuff.[/quote]

Do you know what “default parent” means?[/quote]

DP it’s a phrase invented by disgruntled women who overestimate their role in their children’s life and are dismissive of the role their partners play, usually a circumstance that is self-inflicted by excessive hectoring, criticism, and micromanagement.[/quote]

Tell me you’re a lazy parent without telling me you’re a lazy parent. [/quote]

More original thinking from the “default parent” cliche user. Prattling on about laziness, ironically enough. [/quote]

from the OP it seems the DH works 60-80 hours per week including nights and weekends. I would also assume his busy schedule does not allow for him to cover sick days or school closures but OP can correct me if wrong. There are 168 hours in a week. 80 means he is working 50% of the available hours of the week. 6 hours of sleep means 42 hours. An hour to get ready and commute in the morning plus min 30 commute home= 7.5 hours minimum, if he is not commuting into work on weekends. So just with working, sleeping minimum suggested amount, and commuting he takes 130 hours per week leaving 38 hours spread over 7 days is 5.5 hours to eat, workout, spend time with your family/spouse, run errands, cook dinners, etc.

On working hours alone, OP has 40 more hours per week to dedicate to her family and home. So yes she is the default parent, default cleaner, default sports driver, default grocery shopper, default sick day coverer.

as far as salary goes, OP DH better be making 2x the amount of money minimum. [/quote]

Op - yes you pretty much have it spot on.

And yes he makes about 3.5-4 times what I make. [/quote]

So the guy works 50-10% more than you and makes 350-400% more than you, and two weeks of inconvenience per year is causing you to build up resentment and might result in a serious talk about his behavior? How selfish. That sounds really spoiled.[/quote]

As someone with a spouse who works a lot, I really hate this attitude. Just because my husband makes a ton of money doesn't mean he gets to have more rest than I do. [/quote]

But OP's husband works a lot more than she does, and most likely at a more stressful job (stress tends to come with higher hours and pay, though not always).[/quote]

If she's default parent for three young kids, he doesn't work more than she does.  He works *for pay* more than she does.  They should both have equivalent downtime, which she's not getting in the week after his guys' trip because he's working even more at his job, and even less around the house, after doing nothing for either while gone.  So yes, she does get to complain.  How much she should complain I think comes down to what kind of partner/father he is the other 50 weeks out of the year, but this persistent DCUM trope that if a guy earns enough money he is entitled to treat his family like servants is gross.[/quote]

Sorry, if you think that working at a 40 hour/wk job and being default parent for three school aged kids is the same amount of work and stress as working 60-80 hours a week at a high-paying (and likely high stress) job, then you have no idea what it's like to actually work a job like that.

And again, it is two weeks out of a year.[/quote]

I worked in BigLaw for 12 years.  I know what 80 hours at the low end feels like, and I still recognize that a full-time job and essentially single-parenting 3 (!!) kids is work.   Something tells me you have no idea what either side of the coin is actually like, you just like to devalue women's work.[/quote]

I've been a very busy commercial litigator for 20 years, and I took 3 years in a govt job (that was still pretty busy) when my three kids were little. I notice that you don't even say that they are equal amounts of work--just that having a 40 hour a week job and parenting is work. No kidding it's work. I get that both are busy. But there is no comparison in stress and busy-ness. Being a busy lawyer who makes a lot of money (as I do) is way more stressful and time consuming. And people who haven't worked like that just don't understand it.[/quote]

The post I responded to (unclear at this point if it was you) said he works 50-100% more than she does and she is "selfish" and "spoiled" for resenting this behavior of his.  I said that he does not work twice as much as she does, he just spends more time on *paid* work.  Then you either joined the thread or pivoted to an argument that it's not the "same amount of work [i]and stress[/i]" and incorrectly assumed I don't know what a stressful job is like.  Again, no.  You clearly don't get that they "both are busy" because you're arguing (or joining in support of an argument) that OP's DH works 50-100% more than she does.  That argument only makes sense if you do not recognize the unpaid work that she's doing and discount literally every hour she puts in as default parent on the second shift after her 40 hours of paid work.  [/quote]

I'm just saying that working 60-80 per week is way more stressful than working 40 and being the default parent. That's the issue. Just counting the number of hours is not the issue, and we don't know how many hours OP and her husband work in the home.

In order to earn the large amount of money that he does that supports their lifestyle, he takes on a disproportionate amount of stress. The guy takes off two long weekends a year to see his friends, and he has some undetermined number of days after those long weekends where he does less at home than he normally does.

OP should spend more time appreciating a person who undertakes all that job stress for their family and less time resenting this little bit extra stress in her life.[/quote]

I used to think like this and I'm so glad I stopped. I instead started thinking about what I needed to be healthy and happy, and if that required something from DH like him taking the kids more, I told him that. I need the rest and rejuvenation I need, and if I can't get my needs met because of his job, he needs to find a different job. It seemed like a drastic thought at the time, but in practice all it meant is that DH takes the kids to their morning activities and does a load of dishes each day. And he is more than happy to do it!

As for his needs for rest and rejuvenation, that's on him. If I were him I would quit because he is too stressed and he know she is free to do so, but he manages somehow. [/quote]

I somehow doubt you ever spent any time NOT thinking about your own needs.[/quote]

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