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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We've been promised that image of perfect life, perfect marriage, etc. it rarely happens that way. Have you tried counseling? Asking why not? Etc.? I'm sorry you are in this, I am. I know it sucks. But no, I wouldn't give up daily contact with my kids for sex. At least not until they are much older.[/quote]

Monk #1 again (and pp too -- not sock puppeting, just thinking in spurts here) --

Here's the thing. A lot of things can disrupt your sex life. Stress, kids, health issues. One thing that no one ever talks about is the degree to which cancer is a libido slayer.

As a spouse, you take a vow that includes "in sickness and in health." And so you just decide you're going to deal with celibacy during cancer, because that's the decent thing to do and sex in the context of everything else *really just isn't important.*

And eventually, the Gods smile on you and your spouse heals and recovers. But sometimes, that part of your life just doesn't come back. Even though you try, with the varying degrees of effort previously described, to reignite that spark. Some cancer treatments simply assasinate the cancer libido. So you, the healthy spouse, feel a number of conflicting emotions. They include: 1) Relief and joy that your wife is going to survive because you really do love her; and 2) Rejection, even though you know intellectually that it's really not her fault. The sinister thing is the longer you feel rejected, the less attracted to her you feel because at the end of the day, who really wants to grovel?

But still, every day you wake up to those two beaming faces of the creatures you and she made together. One is now 9, the other 7, and you love them so much it aches. You make their school lunches and their breakfasts before heading off to the career in which you used to have such huge ambitions can't hold a candle to your desire to leave the office at 5 so you can come home and help with homework and maybe if you're lucky play a game or two before bed. You live for the weekends, where you might as well be *dating* your children the way you plan the activities so carefully.

And then, after they're in bed and you are nursing your third beer while dw does whatever she's doing on the laptop, you just fight the sadness and the resentment. And for a minute you think "fuck it, I should just go upstairs and make it happen" and then you remember the last two times you tried that approach: the ambivalent "get it over with" attitude the first time and the cold shoulder the second. And you figure why bother and you fantasize for a minute about separating and getting an apartment in the city. And then you remember your bank balance. But more importantly you think of those girls for whom you live now. And so you look for porn On Demand and pray that DW stays the fuck upstairs for 10 minutes instead of coming down to your man cave to tell you the six new ways she wants to spend the money you earn.

This is my life. Fun times.[/quote]

You shouldn't have to sacrifice forever.  Your wife's cancer is over.  Get to a medical specialist if it is a medical issue.  Get to counseling if it is a counseling issue.

YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS.  It's not a betrayal of your wife to want it.  It is not wrong to say it.[/quote]

But it sounds like your marriage is totally lacking in nonsexual intimacy too. THAT has to be fixed and if it is you might find that your sex life comes back. The way you describe parenting is sweet in some ways, but you have redirected the passion from your adult life to the kids and that isn't good for them. As they get older and start to move into the world of their peers you don't want to hold them back even unconsciously. If they are meeting even your social needs in the family you may be creating girls who never find boyfriends "live up" to the dizzying closeness with dear old Dad.

You have to work on your marriage so that there is a healthier balance in your family and your kids are not meeting adult needs, even with the best of intentions. Go to family therapy even, it might be a better place for you and your wife to talk about shifting your relationship and the family dynamics (often the kids are not present). Find someone who does family systems therapy. I'm sure that the girls were impacted by the cancer as well. Move everyone onto better footing with each other.

You can love your girls just as much, but in a healthier way if you fall in love with your wife again. And you will be teaching them what a happy, healthy family looks like - as someone who had to piece it together as an adult, it's a huge gift. Good luck![/quote]

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