Reply to AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP-- I don't think you or your husband are wrong. You both have valid points and I think the issue is worthy of further discussion. However, I do think you are wrong to judge your MIL's choices so harshly--women simply didn't have the same opportunities in her generation that women have now. They just didn't. They were also paid less for the same work, and daycares/nannies weren't as readily available in times past. For many (most?) women, it would have cost more to put the kids in daycare than they earned, so they stayed home.

There was more discrimination in the workplace, and most women were still expected to do  ALL of the home/kid stuff as well as their 9-5. Men simply didn't pitch in at all--which I realize is still a problem, but at least now they know they're expected do even if they don't actually do it.

You admit she is a kind person who sacrificed a lot to raise her kids. You're judging her pretty harshly and through a modern lens when you should be looking back over time and judging her by what was actually available to her in terms of choices and not by what choices are available to you right now. Those are two different things.

My two cents is to give/loan the money, but insist on the transparency in terms of her debts and income. Is there a way you can have her babysit your kids 1 or 2 days a week until they're in preschool or kindergarten to help defray your childcare costs? Or help with the daycare picks up or drop off? Could she pick them up at 3 and take them home and start dinner or do their baths or something to help your evening go smoother? Would a set up like that help you feel better about the money?[/quote]

That's not gonna work because she's going to babysit SIL's baby. Basically, DH wants to give MIL money so that SIL can have low-cost childcare. Genius plan.[/quote] SIL's baby isn't here yet, and presumably won't be handed over to MIL the day it arrives. OP didn't say how old her kids are. There's probably close to a year before SIL will need a babysitter, and OP can be using her services until then as a contingency to getting the money. Her DH can talk to SIL about it before hand and make sure she's on the same page in terms of them getting help too if they're giving the same amount of money. Everyone, including the MIL needs to be on the same page before any money is given. Also, SIL should really think twice about having a nearly 70 yr old as a full time nanny. A couple of mornings is one thing but 50 hr is unrealistic.[/quote]

I still would not do this. An employer-employee relationship with a poor relative (and that's what MIL is at this point) is going to be really awkward and tense. What if they're not happy with MIL's care and reliability?

I suspect MIL is older than she seems, cognitively, and that's why she got fired, won't (or maybe actually can't) work, and is making bad decisions.[/quote]

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