Reply to Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. [b]I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon[/b].

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. [b]They walked in the door around noon[/b]. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

[/quote]

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over. [/quote]

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.[/quote]This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes. [/quote]

What if the child has explosive diarrhea or vomits everywhere when it's "your watch" and creates a huge mess? Is it just "sucks to be you, babe!" as you watch the other person clean up a huge mess and tend to a sick child? So glad my spouse and I can work as a team. I can remember having just one kid and thinking this was a big deal but then we had 3 and it was pretty much all hands on deck until the youngest was at least 4 and we just rolled with it.[/quote]

Of course I would help. We were “flexible” on hands on deck for the first 2 years or so. And then I looked up one day and realized flexibility meant me doing basically all of the cleaning child care [b]AND making more money[/b].[/quote]

You know, that's your big problem. You have no respect for your DH because he is a beta and low earning to boot.  Maybe divorce that POS.  You must be feeling horrible having a kid with that loser, no?   [/quote]

Op here. Dh always preached feminism and that he saw no problem with being a house husband/his dream wouid be to be a stay at home dad etc. professed no issue with traditional values that men must make money and women stay at home. YET when he lost his job, had a long period of unemployment and I became the breadwinner, in turn asking him to pick up extra load at home/ I think his theory of feminism and a stay at home dad became a reality he didn’t actually like or want. He did eventually find a job but has made less than me for 6 years now. I think it bothers him. I do think if he went back to the high earning status he had before things might be different. Not sure if better, but I think he feels emasculated. Frankly, if I have to put up with a jerk and someone not willing to pull weight at home, I’d MUCH prefer dh be making much better money and feeling financially secure and able to outsource some things. Basically I don’t think I’d put up as much of a fuss about doing 90% of the housework if he were making more money.

Man or woman. You can’t be making less money AND doing less work at home. [/quote]

It’s hilarious. All these men who thought women just weren’t doing much and SAHD was a cushy alternative to the grind. I knew a guy who talked this trash until he actually had kids. Luckily for his wife he didn’t paint himself into a corner and ever actually do it but he doesn’t run his mouth anymore now that he knows the reality of having two small kids.[/quote]

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