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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, glad you're back.

You still haven't responded to criticism of this part of your OP:

[quote]And your child on the spectrum is not only “a loner genius”, they’re autistic. And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim.[/quote]

Do you really not see how statement like this are essentially designed to make parents angry and defensive? You are not qualified to diagnose a child with autism, and if you are speaking like this to parents with autistic children, do you really not understand that they are own their own difficult journey that you simply do not understand? And your phrasing here about kids who get picked on is absolutely unacceptable from a teacher. Absolutely, 100%, not acceptable. Parents with kids who are being picked on and bullied are ALWAYS working with their kids to figure out how to keep themselves from being a target. Do you have kids? Do you not understand how heartbreaking it is to have send your kid to school where another kid is making fun of them or tormenting them? If there was a magic thing you could tell your kid to keep it from happening, you would.

It's just so condescending. If a teacher said this to me about my kid who was being tormented, not only would I not "believe her", I'd ask that my kid be removed from her class. When I child is being consistently picked on in your classroom, the answer is for the adult in the room to intervene, and work with the kids to address these issues. I get that you don't have perfect control, but you have more than I do in that moment, and "sorry kiddo but you've got to stop making yourself a victim here" is NOT going to cut it. Address the problem.

Fortunately I've never had a teacher pull this with me -- we've always had good relationships built on trust and mutual respect. But what you wrote in your OP was not trusting or respectful. I think if you have enough poor relationships with parents to write something like this, the problem might be you.[/quote]

Well folks I apologize for triggering so many parents with this post. Please know that I would never in a million years be so blunt in an actual conversation with a parent of a struggling student. I DO understand how heartbreaking it is, having been on the receiving end of such information twice. Please know, however, that there are many many parents out there who would rather deny that a problem exists and verbally attack the teacher for bringing it up in the most respectful, compassionate way. That was the audience for this post - parents who will leave their child, the teacher and sometimes the entire affected class hanging because they cannot believe that their child might need extra support. It is completely demoralizing for all involved. So, with those experiences under my belt along with the multiple chastisements posted in this thread from parents who DO want to support their struggling children, I will think twice about having these conversations in the future. You have cut me down to size, put me in my place, and schooled the teacher. [/quote]

OP,
Thank you for your attempt here. I’m a teacher, but for the moment I’m going to speak from the perspective of a parent. I had a teacher who sat me down and gave me some raw, upsetting information about my own child. No other teacher had done that. I was defensive at first. I wanted to defend my child, her upbringing, and all I had already done to try to prepare her for school. I took the teacher’s comments as a criticism and, initially, I was mad at the teacher for exposing something I didn’t want to accept or deal with. Two years later, I have nothing but appreciation for that teacher. She took the time to really learn about my child and she cared enough to put herself in that uncomfortable position. I can’t imagine she relished having that conversation with me. What she said was a spark and I am now grateful for her insights.

I know you were speaking from experience and you weren’t speaking to ALL parents. I think the reason you got so much heat in response is because (A) we are all very defensive about our own children and (B) this is DCUM and our intentions/tone don’t always translate the way we want them to. [/quote]

OP here - thank you, fellow teacher and fellow parent. I concur with all you said and how well you said it. My old pony, Trigger, is back in his stall and I will give myself a bit more time between a hard day and posting anything on a public forum. Your balanced assessment of WHY these conversations can be so difficult is spot on.[/quote]

Honestly as a parent I thought your post was fine and I was surprised at all the comments. But I have mainly had positive interactions with teachers around social issues that have come up for my kid. Also, I'm the one who has brought them up.

One question I have though is this: "And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim" - this seems suspect to me. How do you teach this? At home it's so easy to say do x do y when so and so bothers you. I don't think it helps. This is an age old problem and I don't really see how we parents can actually help our victim kids. Seems like only the teacher can devise a solution in the moment. And unless it's super obvious bullying, they usually don't do anything in my experience. [/quote]

The only way to teach someone to not be a victim in this context is to teach them to stand up for themselves, fight back and have self-respect.  I don't see how schools can teach that or how parents can do that without information.[/quote]

"Fight back" how?  Be specific.  Surely you're not suggesting physical fighting?[/quote]

If they are being physically assaulted then yes.  It's called self-defense and self-respect.  What would you suggest as a response to physical assault?  Remember that we are talking about kids that are being bullied.  Should they accept it?  If not, what should they do?[/quote]

Good luck with that.  Schools have zero tolerance policies for any kind of physical violence, even if it is self defense.  The bullied child who hits back will end up getting detention or be suspended.[/quote]

Yeah the PP sounds like a parent of a bully- they want the bullies kids to fight back to deflect from their own kid. They probably tell their kid that anyone who doesn’t fight back is “weak” and deserves to be bullied too.[/quote]

Hahahahaha, you couldn't be further from the mark.  That was just a particularly easy example to understand on the range of things kids need to be taught to not be a victim.  There are things that schools cannot teach kids to do.[/quote]

DP- ok, how specifically are you teaching your kids not to be a victim, without shaming them if, despite their best efforts, they are still bullied?[/quote]

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