Reply to DD’s butt pinched in the pool

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My dh would have confronted the boys immediately, regardless of what my dd wanted. I’m not sure how you handle this after the fact. Your dd will probably have some very strong and confusing feelings about the whole thing. [b]She needs to learn that standing up for yourself is empowering and being passive gives the offender all the control.[/b] Now she will remember feeling embarrassment and helplessness. It’s far better to remember the way you exerted your own power.

Almost 30 years later, I still beat myself up for not stopping a teacher who used to give lots of us unwanted back rubs. One day he sat down next to me and put his hand on my thigh and left it there. I have long felt that I was complicit in allowing him to do this to other girls. I teach my dds that they don’t have to know the right way to handle a situation like this, because that’s what parents are for. I’ll know how to handle it.[/quote]
I disagree with this. [b]Her DD did the right thing. She was outnumbered and, especially given the ages, likely a large differential in size. Getting to physical safety with someone trusted was absolutely the right thing to do[/b]. Her father, however, failed miserably. A father is literally the one man a girl should be able to trust unequivocably with her safety. He just taught her that a someone can physically harm her right in front of him, and he's willing to act like it's NBD. He absolutely should have shut down the idea that she had anything to be embarrassed about right then and there (regardless of whether she still went back to her room). The only people who should be ashamed are the little rapists-in-training who would touch a girl within eyeshot of her father. And now the father, who decided to let them get away with it.[/quote]

Re: the bold type only: New poster and I agree. When my teen DD and friends took a self-defense class recently (I participated too) there was a strong emphasis on just this -- get away to safety. That's the priority when there's a physical threat. You don't stick around to "stand up for yourself" when you are in a situation where you feel threatened and especially where you are outnumbered. You get away. You stay and fight (verbally or physically) ONLY if there is zero other option.

OP said DD was surprised when she emerged from the water among a group of bigger boys; the pinch was an even bigger surprise and happened as she was swimming away from them--was she supposed to stop, stand up in the pool, turn around and start confronting a group of bigger boys? Nope. She was right to get away and keep moving away.

Regarding dad's reaction, though, I disagree with the rest of that post but I do agree wtih this PP:

[i]I don’t blame your dh or dd in this situation. It’s SO hard to know the right thing to do the first time it happens. I can see my 13 year old insisting the exact same thing and both my dh and I unsure whether or not to comply with her request to save her embarrassment or talk to the kids.

So chalk this up as a learning experience for everyone in your family—how do we handle it when it happens next time? This is WHY we speak up—not to embarrass you, but because if we don’t, then the boys think it’s passable behavior.[/i]

Hindsight is 20/20. So is the view from armchair coaches blasting the parent after the fact. We all react ideally and nobly and like perfect parents....in hindsight, and when telling others what they should have done. [/quote]

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