Reply to How do you get over being ostracized from a group?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So sorry that happened to you, OP. I know people like this and [b]in fact am friends with some people like this.  The ones who exclude, and gossip and badmouth about others.  To some extent, it is very common and I think it's part of human nature unfortunately.  And I always keep them at arm's length, and never trust them completely.  I don't invest in those relationships, but I also don't avoid them, as I do get a lot out of those relationships too.[/b] And frankly, if you avoided everyone like this, you'd be left with very few people to socialize with and collaborate with and whatever with.

There are friends and family that I have that I trust completely, but I can count them on one hand.  The ones who lift you up, the ones who you can trust completely, the ones who I hope will be with me to the end of my days.  You need to focus on these relationships and keep an eye out for these kinds of friends.[/quote]

OK I'll bite: What do you get out of those relationships, since you say you're getting "a lot"?

Also, do you self-identify as an honest person? Would you describe yourself as a user or opportunist? [/quote]

Those kinds of people tend to have a good side and a bad side - they are great to you when you are on their good side, but will badmouth and gossip about you when you are on their bad side.  They also tend to be kind of controlling of friend circles so while they can bring people together, they can also exclude people.  So what do I get out of it?  I'm USUALLY on their good side, so they act like a "good friend" in many of the traditional ways.  They plan and organize activities that are fun and meaningful to me that also include many friends I like.  I admire other traits in them, and just see this aspect of them as a character flaw.  And all of us have flaws.

I think I'm 90% honest.  I used to be a lot more honest, almost to a compulsion, but I learned that had bad consequences and caused unnecessary drama.  No, I don't think I'm a user or an opportunist.[/quote]

How do you feel about the people who wind up on their "bad side." Have you ever known someone who was hurt the way people on this thread have talked about being hurt? If so, do you think you contributed in any way or do you just consider it to have nothing to do with you? I'm not trying to antagonize, genuinely just curious.[/quote]

I am always very skeptical of anything bad they say about others.  Sometimes I might disagree or at least question their judgment, but sometimes if it feels like they just need to let off some steam, I just listen.  I don't pile on or get sucked into saying anything negative.  I don't feel any differently about the people who get on their bad side, I really do just try to stay out of that drama.  [/quote]

So that’s how you handle the gossip, but how do you handle it when they exclude people? Or, when they are bad mouthing someone, even if you don’t believe it, do you ever correct what you know to be false info or things taken out of context?

I think if you are passively sitting by while people do this stuff it raises some questions about your character. I know lots of people who don’t behave this way, so I don’t think it’s that hard to avoid when making friends.[/quote]

I'm not sure if this is OP I'm responding to, but I'm sorry because I didn't read through the entire thread before so I didn't get all the context.  Those people are really sucky and mean-spirited, spreading lies, and bullying type behavior, and that isn't really what I'm talking about.  Faced with those types of people, I would say good riddance and would keep my distance.

I've been in friend groups where inevitably some kind of drama blows up between two of the friends, and it ends up affecting the rest of the group.  Because it splits the group, and then you can't socialize as a group.  You can invite the one friend but not the other, etc.  That, and then some people just like to complain about other people all the time, judge them, talk bad about them.  In those cases, I'm not close with the person being talked about.  And frankly it's mentally exhausting listening to people complain about others, and I try to cut it short.  I might even argue for the other person if I think it's something that's completely untrue. But sometimes I do give some leeway and grace because I just see it as a weakness in them I can't really change.

I really, really do not like when people gang up on someone.  Anyone.  No matter if I like that person or not.  It's one thing to complain about that person one-on-one as a vent.  But it's a whole other thing to start doing it as a "mob".   I have one friend who I feel sometimes crosses that line - because she vents about a certain person (that I'm not close to, but know), but she does it on a group text chain. Maybe at some point, I will talk to her about it.  But I know if I say anything in response via text that's not supportive - it will not go over well.  So... I've just been ignoring those texts, or change the subject.[/quote]

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