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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, my brother is married to a woman who many of my family members think is mentally ill (e.g., personality disorder, anxious, depressed, controlling, manipulative, etc.). Here is what I have noticed:

1) My brother does not talk to my mom and sister (the main people who have the opinion of mental illness) about things in their relationship that are good. When I asked him why, he point-blank told me that mom and sister don't like wife and don't care about good things. When I asked him why he vents negatively, he said because he is frustrated, gets it off his chest, and then solves the problem. He recognizes that his venting has created an impression of his wife and his marriage that is perhaps not totally accurate. Does your brother understand this?

2) My SIL has never really enjoyed participating in our family events. I have been married twice and my first husband felt similarly. He said that he always felt like he was on the outside. He was also not a great husband and I vented to my mom and siblings about this, and I could see how that changed the way they treated him. I made different choices with my second husband, and he feels more included and participates more.

3) Relatedly, my SIL's family of origin has a really different interaction style. Our family events were way too much for her. Initially, I think my mom expected SIL to adapt to our family's style when it was clear that she didn't like it. Have you noticed differences in the way that your SIL prefers to engage and the way your family of origin prefers to engage? Everything from how loud people talk to use of humor is relevant.[/quote]

OP here. My brother never used to talk about his wife to me or my mom and very little only to my dad. This is also why I don’t know much about what was going on before. My dad also does not want to talk about the issue so other than knowing she was upset at me for not contacting her directly to ask about her when their daughter was in the hospital, leaving the family chat and planning baptism 2 weeks after we left, I did not know what was going on. 
Her family is very similar to our family. Same origins, same culture, etc. They come from a small town near our city and they love to cook... these are the two big differences I see. 
She loves to cook and she always looks nice, nails done, every week blow out, always dresses nice, etc. My mom and I are not like this. We don’t cook, never get our nails done and hairdresser maybe once a year. My brother likes that she cares about looking good compared to my mom and I that are more or less always looking frumpy. This is another difference I guess... 
over all, family is very important for everyone. They spend a lot of time with her side of the family (though my brother has started hating that too, but only recently). [/quote]

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