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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with. [/quote]

The bottom line is, I'd rather have an affair than punish my kids for my husband's giving up on work, sex, self-care, therapy, ADHD meds, and social interactions.

What divorce would do to my kids: 
--lose their house
--lose their neighborhood and possibly school
--at least 3 days/week with the parent who forgets to buy groceries, sleeps past school wake-up, refuses to clean the house
--at least 3 days/week without the parent who listens to their problems, guides them to stay on track with chores and homework, and makes sure they get nutritious food
--living in two crappy apartments 
--finally find out the depths to which their dad has sunk, when I'm no longer trying to smooth it over and participate in his BS story that he's a consultant

What my affair does to my spouse: 
--while he's got his face in his computer ignoring the rest of us, I am in a hotel for a few hours instead of at tennis, where I used to be
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer pleading him to find a way toward intimacy again
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer cranky every single day about my sexless life
--the person with whom he stopped having sex, whom he unilaterally forced to be a breadwinner, who has been gently covering for him so he doesn't feel quite as ashamed when with friends no longer resents him so much she can barely stand to be in a room with him
--he is at risk, if he wakes up and does anything about his life after years of being supported, loved, asked to please re-commit to therapy 
--probably mean that when the kids are out of the house, his stay in the Wife Hotel will come to an end
--hurt him if he finds out

At the end of the day, I can punish my kids for my spouse's unilateral, intractable, long-standing abandonment of his responsibilities (no way); accede to my spouse's unilateral decision that I be denied sex and intimacy for the rest of his life (no way); or discretely find the love and intimacy I actually deserve, as the one person who makes sure my entire family has the life they would have had if my husband wasn't such a selfish person, if he didn't think that he needed to man up and be an adult.

So I chose option C and I don't honestly care whether some people think it would be better to destroy my kids' lives or sacrifice my own for the truly bad actor in this family.

[/quote]

You get an A+ at rationalization pp[/quote]

Actually, it's brilliant. Puts the RATIONAL in rationalize, if you ask me. [/quote]

So which would you do-- ruin your kids' lives or go the redt of your own life without sex? [/quote]

False dichotomy[/quote]

No, it isn't.

Spouse won't have sex.  Kids want two parents and a home and their school district.

Choose. [/quote]

Kids not getting what they want isn't ruining their lives.

It is a complete false dichotomy. You are the breadwinner PP right? DH is unemployed? And you would be seeking custody. Why on earth would you need to downsize? You're paying for everything already. DH would just have to work to pay for a place. You're already living where you're living on your salary.

But even if that wasn't true it is still not the end of the world. Yes this will be difficult on your kids, but your relationship is broken and this is the cost of a broken relationship. If you cheat and they find out that will eff them up way worse than a relatively low drama divorce now.

And even if you did think that your kids being in this school district or whatever was literally the most important thing in their lives you could always choose option c. Stick it out with DH until they graduate high school then divorce and have a lot of sex which is hardly, 'no sex for the rest of your life.'

Literally everything you write is draped in unnecessary hyperbole and drama. Methinks the cheater doth protest too much.[/quote]

Lawyer here.

It's true they would lose the house.  Unless both divorcing spouses agree otherwise, the court will order the family home sold and the proceeds split.  Generally 50/50 equity split unless one spouse owned the house first, in which case they would calculate the increase in equity during the marriage and divide it.

If the home were sold (which the now-ex can make happen), it's not necessarily true that the other spouse could afford a comparable one-- or even afford to buy out the ex's share.  This is because although the wife might be able to make the mortgage on her income (and we don't know if they're racking up credit cards), she might not be able to secure that size mortgage on her income-- particularly if they used two incomes to qualify.

The spouse being left has no income.  He would probably be able to secure *some* spousal support for a brief period, much as an SAHM would.  As the lower-earning spouse once he gets a job, he could request and be granted child support for the portion of the children's upkeep for which he's responsible.  This is standard with two working parents one of whom earns less.

Your statement that the wife would go for custody also reflects ignorance.  The default is currently joint custody.  Not necessarily 50/50, but joint legal and generally joint custodial.  The exceptions are very narrow-- an abusive or neglectful parent or one who has an addiction or significant mental health problems (beyond depression).

So the 95% likeliest scenario here is that the house is sold, it's by no means certain that they can get another in the same district depending upon whether rentals exist there, and that at least for a period of time the OP will be contributing toward the ex's upkeep.

Your subjective opinion that kids would rather lose their home and have to go back and forth between two homes or apartments than face the possibility that a spouse is cheating is speculative at best.  But your statements about what would happen as a practical matter are dead flat wrong under the law of every state and the District.

[/quote]

None of what you said disproves my main point, which is that this is not a choice between 'ruining your children's lives' and 'choosing to forego sex for the rest of your life.'

My ruminations about how the divorce would shake out are wrong, fine. You are correct it is not my area of expertise. [b]But I AM the child of divorce and my life wasn't ruined by it. 
[/b]
I think it is telling that you grabbed onto my one mistake instead of talking about any of the larger points.[/quote]

Data is not the plural of anecdote.

Replace "choosing to forego sex for the next 6 years" if you'd like. 
[/quote]

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