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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am divorced and in my 40s and reading this thread I see I need to sit with myself a bit because [b]I havenone of this confidence. My XH's cheating did a number on me.[/b] [/quote]

Therapy helps. Your 20s and 30s are about making a life for husband and children. Your 40s and 50s are about making a life for you. If you are always in self-sacrifice mode, your self-confidence will crumble. Whether you know it or not, when you always prioritize other's needs over your own, you send yourself the message that you aren't worth it. Young wives and moms need to learn to treat themselves as they would treat a best friend. If your best friend never had time to spend with you and ignored when you were in emotional crisis, you wouldn't think they really valued you. When you pursue what you want, your confidence will grow. Therapy can help you heal and figure out what you want. After years of emotional abuse and financial control by my ex, I realized that I wanted a peaceful house. Peace don't always mean quiet though I like that, too #introvert  :) . By peaceful, I meant that we don't fight or at the very least we "fight fair". No put downs. No emotionally manipulative language. No rehashing of old quarrels unrelated to the issue at hand. We can't bring up who forgot to make sure there was milk if the issue is leaving a dirty dish on the coffee table to attract bugs. I also wanted to control my own finances. My therapist recommended some self-help books. They were both enlightening and full of practical ideas. I'll see if I can find the list to post here. Above all else, don't do what I did. I was divorced by 35. I focused on my young children and ignored my own self-care needs. Seven years later, I was still full of pain. I was in a long-term relationship with a great man, but I was blocked from moving ahead to living together and marriage. I had to do a lot of self-care and self-work to move those emotional obstacles to true romantic happiness. We are now engaged, but I mourn the years together that we lost because I was a mess.[/quote]

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