Reply to 4 yo refuses to say "I'm sorry"

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Reply to "4 yo refuses to say "I'm sorry" - advice?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]To a friend, I would INSIST on an apology. If the child refused, the child would be removed from the area.if at a play date, we go home. In the same vein, if I lose my temper (yell) at the kids, [b]I always apologize later to them explaining why I was frustrated. [/b]Model the behavior you want.[/quote]

That's not a real apology, if you're still blaming the other person for making you frustrated. Would it be an apology is your 4 year old said, "I'm sorry I hit you, but I was angry that you wouldn't give me your toy"? Of course not.[/quote]

Actually that one is right on the fence to me, and its certainly not a categorical rule that you can't apologize successfully when explaining your feelings.

Clearly inappropriate:

"I am sorry I hit you. You should not have offended me."
"I am sorry you are upset that I hit you."

Pretty clearly appropriate in my view:

"I am sorry I hit you. I got upset when you said X, and lost my tempter. That was inappropriate of me and I should not have done it."

Your example, which I think you take to be obviously inappropriate, is actually right on the line for me. It could either be interpreted as "I feel compelled to apologize but you did something B.S." or "I am sincerely sorry and wanted to offer an explanation for my actions." You would need to know the context and the past history between the two people to judge whether it is a sincere apology.[/quote]

Also, there's an affirmative difference between apologizing to adults and apologizing to children. Adults don't particularly need to know your reasons for doing something; they just need to know you are sincerely sorry. Children affirmatively benefit from having emotions and motivations labelled. It helps them to label their own emotions correctly, which helps them process those emotions. And it helps them learn to empathize. I want my child to know both why I got upset and that, despite this reason, my behavior was still in appropriate and warranted an apology.[/quote]

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