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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I can guarantee your spouse has already picked up in the fact that you dread talking with her which makes her feel more depressed/angry. I think you need to look at how your behavior is contributing to the problem. [/quote]

My own behavior? No. This is all her.

The few times I tried to engage it directly, she attacked. It's what she does -- she attacks. Me, the children. She literally snarl at the children if she's angry with them. If anyone dares challenge her or call her out on her persistent negativity, it's all our fault for being too sensitive and we should stop internalizing things all the time. Never mind that we all walk on eggshells around her.

My behavior was to disengage. It's a matter of self-preservation and I will not be made to feel guilty for it.[/quote]

New PP here, I've met people like that, the anger, the negativity, the attacks, it is exhausting I really see what you mean OP... And I atend to see the same strategy from the spouse : they become quiet, quiet and even more quiet. They maximize conflict avoidance and disengage emotionally. Up to the point when sometimes the nice spouse that everybody thought was completely dominated by angry spouse ends up in an affair and leave, to the utter astonishment of the angry spouse (that's the happy end). But in any case, the worse is for the children ... When spouse is silent and avoiding conflict they are not protected, when spouse rebels by leaving they end up alone with angry spouse..

So, my conclusion? Grow a back bone.. I know. It is unfair to say that, you certainly have a backbone and just want to avoid dealing with perpetual conflict. But you need to set ground rules and be firm, if not for your own sake then for your kids. A therapist as neutral third party could help but you should also be able to do it on your own.

I keep wondering if the quiet/conflict avoiding reaction is a full consequence of the angry spouse behavior, or if one is not fueling the other. I know other couples with an angry/negative spouse but where the other spouse is stronger and calling BS easily. The ones that manage to do that without creating endless conflicts are very laid back, they use humor and at the same type they are very firm. I have to say they also seem emotionally disengaged, they don't seem to take the anger/attacks from their spouse seriously but they don't let them cross a line and are able to remind the ground rules in a very polite/cold/matter of fact way. For ex. "No Mary please don't do that, we already discuss it I don't like it", end of discussion, no negotiations, smiles and move one (physically if needed).

I am not saying that's a great solution for a happy marriage (the angry spouse is too much of a pain for a really happy marriage) but the big advantage is for the kids: they see that the bully doesn't have all the rights, they see you stand up for them if needed. They have a reliable, emotionally stable parent to turn to. And that's already great[/quote]

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