Reply to What do you do when you've reached the limit of your parenting abilities?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I love my 8-year-old son to the ends of the earth, but I feel like his challenges are beyond what I know how to help with anymore. He has these moments where he's an amazing kid and I'm blown away by his kindness and maturity, but most of the time he ranges from just generally uncooperative/resistant to full on rude, defiant, throws epic tantrums when asked to do something he doesn't want to do (or not given something he wants) or if he gets in trouble, etc. Everything is a battle with him, no matter how small. My understanding is that it's not nearly as bad at school as it is at home, but it definitely happens and seems to be having an impact on him socially there (trouble making friends, being left out of play dates, etc.). I feel like I've tried everything I know, and I don't know if my parenting abilities are just too limited and I'm the one who needs parenting help, or if he needs professional help that's beyond what a parent can provide. I'm feeling completely beaten down by this, it seems like every bit of my energy goes into just managing to get through the day with him, I don't have anything left to put in any extra that might help him learn to manage this better. Has anyone been here? What did you do? Did it help?[/quote]

Initially, I immediately thought "ADHD" because my nine year old DS has it and sounds similar with emotional regulation issues. However, when you described the incident with the toy, I think your son showed a lot of self control, frankly. Obviously, as you stated, his desire was to throw a huge fit, but he didn't- and even though you had to ask him several times, he still went to his room. That is promising

When you talk with your son's teachers ask about his capabilities with the following:
1. Academic issues- lags, comprehension, reading and math difficulties
2. Transitioning between tasks
3. Staying on task himself and not disrupting his peers 
4. Social issues- interrupting, monopolizing conversations, maintaining topic, body language 
5. Of course emotional self regulation seems to be an issue bit more so at home. Even with ADHD most kids try to hold it together at school due to anxiety- so that's pretty normal.

Their answers will probably give you a clearer picture of your DS's overall functioning and whether you may want to consider an evaluation. If you determine that your DS is typical but intense and defiant, I suggest Kazdin's book. It works great with typical kids and kids with special needs. You may also look at Ross Greene's the Explosive Child.

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