Reply to What do you do when you've reached the limit of your parenting abilities?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]He's pissed as hell that his little sister threw something at him, and he's expressing his anger, which seems to be huge.  Have you taught him productive ways to handle/manage the anger?  Or just expect him to sit there seething?   The tears are the overwhelming emotions he cannot keep in.  Help him learn to manage them in a good way.  [/quote]

What are your suggestions for how to help him learn to manage his emotions in a good way? I try to do this all the time, but as soon as I try to even go there, he completely shuts down. I can tell he's not even listening, let alone engaging. If anyone has concrete suggestions for how to do these things that I may not have thought of, I'm all ears.

To the extent it's relevant, he resists any suggestion in pretty much any context of how he might do something differently, from how to respond to a difficult situation with a friend to how to fit his shirts in his drawer more easily. Despite having a lot of natural athletic ability, he's falling behind his peers in every sport he tries because he refuses to be coached. No matter how positive and constructive, it seems like any hint that he might not do something perfectly causes him to shut down and dig in his heels.[/quote]

1)  I tell my kid repeatedly that it's OK to be mad, sad, scared, whatever.   Completely.   But it's what you do with the big emotions that matter.  You can ask him what would make him feel better when he's angry.  Ask when he's not angry.  If he has some good suggestions, tell him to do it.  If he doesn't have any, suggest three deep breaths, using words to express his feelings (example:  "Sally really makes me angry when she throws things.   Actually it's not even her, because she's 3, but I get mad that you don't take up for me").  Going for a walk, run, etc.
2)  Model being angry and managing your own emotions.  I get mad in the car a lot, at others, or for being late.   I talk through it so he can hear the process of cooling down, and problem solving. 
3)  If he's enjoying sports, keep him in them.  If not, find something else he may enjoy.  Music?  Piano?   Minecraft coding?  
4)  Let him have control over things in his life, to whatever extent you can without disrupting everything.   A lot of the anger is often a feeling of no control over his own life.  
5)  Repeat.  He won't get it all at once.  It will take awhile and require reminders.  Just because he's not doing it now doesn't mean he's not listening to what you are saying.[/quote]

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