Reply to I had to explain to DD today that her friend isn't really a friend

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I guess I'm the lone voice of dissent.  I think children can figure out who is their friend, and exactly how much.  Your DD already knew that her friend is a sometime-friend.  If your DD is happy about that, then she'll keep up the friendship, and if she's not, she won't.  She doesn't need a lecture from mom about how, if a friend doesn't always treat you well, she's not a friend at all.  [/quote]

Are you a mom to boys? I am and I feel like we let our boys navigate through life with less intervention than girls. Yes, painful to watch sometimes, but interfering is not something I do unless 8ts absolutely critical.[/quote]

Yes, I am a mom to boys, and grew up with brothers (and my mother grew up with brothers).  [b]It seems to me that children know the difference between a best friend, a good friend, a sometimes friend, and a bad friend and can decide whether to keep a friendship or not. [/b] [/quote]

NP here. That's a pretty big generalization, saying that it seems "children know the difference."They don't necessarily just know it instinctively; they learn by experience, and experience can hurt, so what's wrong with a parent offering consolation and advice when it does hurt?

If children could always "decide whether to keep a friendship or not" then they wouldn't do things like stick with friends who treat them badly. And kids do that sometimes, as they learn to navigate friendships.

It's not "interfering," as a PP says above, to do as OP did and just point out that yes, there are so-called friends who are not really behaving like real friends. Children learn what friendship should look like from their experience and from what their parents teach them about friendships and how people should treat each other. It's appropriate for OP to have said exactly what she did. She wasn't interfering -- she was supporting her child but not telling her child what to do.[/quote]

NP here. I agree they learn by experience, but that's why I'm extremely unlikely to intervene in these sorts of cases. Gaining experience works better when you figure it out on your own, instead of when it's explained to you. There are obviously exceptions when the child is in real danger or it's crystal clear he kid will never figure it out, but I'm likely to stay out in most cases like this.[/quote]

I disagree.  I don't think you can throw out this one-size-fits-all guide for parenting.  It takes mixture of allowing them to make mistakes sometimes and helping them talk through things at other times (or after the mistake).  You have to follow your gut as to when to stand back vs. when to intervene.  It also depends on your child.  You know your child best as far as whether they benefit from talking things through or if they prefer to work it out for themselves. You can't necessarily expect what works for your child to work for other peoples' children.

My DD wants to talk to me.  If she comes home upset about being treated poorly, I'm going to offer comfort and help her work through it.  I do think it is a good idea to angle the conversation so that you are making them think about it ("what do you think you should do...") vs. just telling them what to do, but no way am I not going to help her and have these conversations. [/quote]

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