Reply to When Spouses Don't Handle Their Parents

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "When Spouses Don't Handle Their Parents"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I think you need to do more behind the scenes work. Why don't you know your holiday plans 6 months ahead of time? That's not that unusual.

Don't allow Christmas presents to be opened before Christmas morning. Say it's your tradition. Why does your dH need to tell them this?

It really sounds like your DH doesn't like the way YOU do things. [b]He likes his family and wants to go on trips with them and have them over for dinner. He thinks you're the problem and doesn't know how to tell you. He's trying to tell you from his actions that he doesn't [/b]agree with you. [/quote]

OP, this occurred to me as well (see bold, because I do not agree with the  idea that you must have holiday plans set six months in advance!).

I would absolutely tell DH that going back into counseling is a must for you both, and I'd explore what the PP says above. DH may not consciously realize that he just wants to do things his family's way, when that may be the case. I also would want to explore whether he has issues with fearing confronting his family. So very, very many adults just use avoidance all the time with their parents because as they grew up, avoidance and acquiescence were the only ways to "go along to get along." He may also see ANY comment he might make, however gentle or innocuous, as something that his mom will interpret as conflict and confrontation. Did the counselor you had go into any of these things? Talk about DH's family dynamic as he grew up and how that needs to change once one is an adult, etc.? Maybe so, but it sounds like any such talks didn't stick, and DH is still using what he knows works to keep the peace -- avoidance.

The fact he wants YOU to avoid saying anything that might not be what his mom wants to hear -- that's very telling. He's scared of causing even the tiniest ripple on the pond. And he absolutely puts his parents ahead of you and your kids though he probably would resist it if you tell him that. He might need individual therapy as well as couples counseling with you.

And be sure to get a different counselor. Sounds like the first one didn't work so well since DH "got it" intellectually but never worked on a specific action plan with the counselor. If the counselor didn't work with him on tactics, on things to say and do when MIL is intrusive -- yeah, you need a new counselor who will deal with actions and not just with helping DH realize what's going on.

I do think that the examples you give are frankly more intrusive annoyances than anything truly huge, but they add up, and clearly you, yourself, have a long-standing issue with MIL overall, so -- back to counseling.

The one place I would absolutely tell DH and MIL that there is NO flexibility is with your kids' health. If MIL doesn't get that they have a diagnosed, potentially serious condition, tell her you will drive her to their doctor and let the doctor explain it to her face to face and walk through every medication they take with her. (If she says yes, which I doubt -- do it! Prepare the doctor to blind her with science and shut her down.) If she starts to try to sway the kids against their own meds, that's a deal-breaker. Her SON to tell her that the topic is permanently closed and raising it again will mean you, he and the kids walk out of the room when she starts to talk about it. But it sounds like he won't do that yet, and you may have to. I would really wait until the next time she starts to badmouth meds, and take her aside (no kids present) to say, "I will take you to the kids' doctor and have the doctor explain this to you. I really will do that, if you are willing to go. But starting today, I am asking you not to mention the kids' medication in front of them or me. It is confusing them and upsetting them and me.  If it comes up again, we'll have to cut that visit short."
[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics