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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yes, OP, you should continue to offer food when your in-laws visit, but maybe do it differently. My in laws are similar in some ways. Their response to "would you like lunch now" would be "I don't care, whatever you want." You can't get an affirmative out of them for pretty much anything. So I know their preferences from watching what and when they eat at home, and mimic that at our house. They like basic American food, in good quantities, at early hours. So thats what I dish up, and I just serve it. "Lunch is ready! Come to the table!" And then people are welcome to eat or not. But at my house, we eat regular meals at the table, so thats what I serve. If you mother in law eats plenty when it is laid out, she wants to eat. Her saying she isn't hungry is being (she thinks) polite.

My guess is that she is self concious/ashamed about wanting to eat and eating. She is trying to cover her own shame by discounting how much she eats. Try to just not engage in the food talk. Serve good food. Enjoy eating it together. Don't discuss it much.[/quote]

Good post. I would add for OP: This also can be generational.

Some folks in older generations--depending on their upbringing, how readily food was available in their households as they grew up, and what was considered polite in the region where they were raised--just believe it's impolite to ASK for food or to express a preference when asked about it.

It is not weird or wrong, it's the way that their upbringing wired them, and they truly to their core would find it (a) [i]polite[/i] to say "You eat like a bird" and (b) i[i]mpolite[/i], when asked, "Would you like to eat now?" to respond, "Heck, yeah, I'm hungry!" or even "Yes, please." That may be why your in-laws never give you a straight answer when you ask if they'd like to eat -- they are totally conditioned to respond to that question with "Whatever you want" types of answers because they do not want to appear to make work for you and were taught that they should not ask[i] things of a host but should wait until things are offered. In your case, that seems to mean they wait until you produce food.

I grew up with my grandmother in our home and a lot of exposure to older relatives and this was just how they acted and spoke. They honestly think that it's rude to say that they are hungry or to ask when the next meal's going to be, and they would not have dreamed of walking into someone else's kitchen themselves to get a snack when hungry. Yet they also would eye how much younger relatives ate and comment on how we should eat more of this or that. That was their way of showing concern. It actually was rather sweet, if a cause of eye-rolling among the younger family at times, but we took it as just the way the older folks were. It sounds controlling to our generation but it really isn't meant to be. And as others noted, food is an easy and ever-present topic for any conversation, any time, all day, everywhere....

Might it be easier for you to step back from the frustration with your in-laws if you can just say to yourself, this is how they are and it's not a fight worth having? Ask your husband if he's aware of any family stories about how money was tight when his parents were kids, or if they had issues getting the food they wanted when they wanted it. Or even in well-off families there can be a controlling breadwinner making the family account for everything spent on food. There can be lots of reasons behind this (including, where I grew up in the South, a culture where politeness and "I don't want to put you to any trouble" trump everything else). If you can let it roll off you as "Just their wiring and not something to try to change," or deputize husband to deal with meals while your parents are around, that might help you brush it off and stop thinking about it.[/quote]

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