Reply to Those who initiated divorce or separation, how did you do it?

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Reply to "Those who initiated divorce or separation, how did you do it?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So, I think the key question has to be: does the behavior affect me (you)?  ...I don't think being unpleasant to be around - and particularly the bit about being nasty in front of your kids - is something you should not take personally.  I was really talking about things like being pissy because you went out with a girlfriend for dinner, or you used laundry detergent he didn't like.  But the stuff with your kid, and the quasi-abusive behavior...you don't have to dump him over it, but you do need to model not putting up with it for your kid...like walking away and completely refusing to engage in a conversation when your husband is talking to you in a way which is disrespectful.  I think contempt is at the root of most divorce (and I'm a Gottman fan) and it sounds like he speaks to you with contempt.  [/quote]

dude, i think you may be better than my therapist.  you have a great perspective.  ok. he will get irrationally angry with me over things he shouldn't, but he does recognize it and has worked on it. it's not as bad as it used to be. i make sure i tell him when i notice the change or that he's worked on it.  and yes, contempt. it's there sometimes (though he can just be that way in general as a person), but i more worry about an absence of emotion towards me and the fact that we just don't seem to have fun.  i want to have fun in my marriage!

[quote=Anonymous]I think your spouse has given you your answer about "will things change"...no, they won't...Rather than continue to question or doubt yourself, perhaps consider that you've already gone the distance and that your spouse has done their best to give you what you want, and it's just not going to happen...don't stay out of a fear of guilt or a desire for vindication.  [/quote]

excellent points. i don't feel we've quite reached the end of the road just yet.  i'm not convinced that i myself have done my best, which is why i'm concentrating on putting my all in.  i also know that if nothing still changes, i don't think it's necessarily that he's a bad person or wishes me ill.  it's just that together we don't work and it sucks, but it's ok.  [/quote]

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