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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Divorcee here. This was a battle my ex and I had. Our marriage counselor suggested, as a PP did, that it was not about the chores but about deeper issues in the relationship. I thought she was wrong at the time but now with some distance and hindsight I think she was right.

Sometimes this fight probably really is about the cleaning and getting things done. In that situation a cleaning service would help immensely.

However, in our case, and probably many others, the underlying issue was that my ex was checked out of the relationship and not contributing in many ways. I felt lonely and unsupported. The fact that he would say he would do x and then not do it was just a manifestation of the bigger issue, the lack of support and loneliness. Getting a cleaning service (which we actually did) does not help with that. 
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Another divorcee here. This was an issue in my first marriage too, exactly the way you put it. I also felt (perhaps unfairly) that his suggestion of us getting a cleaning service rather than just helping himself was a manifestation of his lack of interest in our collective life. It's a perfectly rational solution to a problem of cleaning, but it seemed to me that it was another way for him to not deal with an issue he was contributing to, to make that someone else's responsibility.

That said, having someone come in and mop floors and do detailed cleaning of bathroom and such was (and is) great. The day our cleaners come, the house just feels better to me. I swear the light looks different on those days :)[/quote]

Yes, I have totally lived this. After major fights, I am just trying to get through.

PP, what I am trying to do now is find every hack around the situation possible: for example, I've started filling the sink full of hot water and clearing everything there. Then loading the dishes after bedtime is easier. Sink needs to be cleaned more, and it gets gross, but with gloves and some good tunes, its just a couple of minutes.  In the morning I unload the dishwasher while the coffee is brewing, and make it into a game to get it done while the coffee is just trickling out. I use this type of strategy with my children as well, to make picking out clothes the night before and cleaning up a game, Sure, it only works part of the time, but I just try to live with the rest. I married a nasty slob, who totally hid his stripes til well into our first or second year of marriage. for us wives, its the equivalent of gaining 40 or 50 lbs after you get married.

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My housecleaning hack: I set a timer on the stove for 15 minutes every night after putting DD to bed. No matter how tired I am. During that 15 minutes, I clear up clutter, load and/or unload the dishwasher, wipe down counters - whatever is most needed. When the timer goes off, I stop cleaning and set up the coffee maker to brew in the morning (it has a timer that I just set every night). It's actually pretty amazing what you can get done in 15 minutes if you mentally situate things properly. Music helps.

I'm remarried, and my husband - who is the most amazing person I've ever met in my life and who I love more than anything - is a horrible slob, but unlike my first husband, he is not bothered by mess so it's not the insult-to-injury of making a ton of messes and then complaining about them. I also have learned better to ask for specific things I need from him - "DH, can you please change the litter box today?" or "DH, can you start laundry before you leave for work?" - rather than just expecting him to recognize what needs doing. For stuff that I truly care about HOW it's done, I just do it myself.[/quote]

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