Reply to Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

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Reply to "Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think the error is in thinking it's a hierarchy. Spousal relationships are important. Relationships with children are important. My relationship with my husband is just as important to me as my relationship with my child, but when those two relationships are in competition for attention/money/time/etc., I prioritize the child because my husband is an adult who understands that the child has a greater reliance on me, while he is an adult who can largely do for himself.

In the situation you're referencing, I think that the OP's husband should certainly discuss these kinds of spending with his new wife, but the new wife does not get to decide what is and is not appropriate for the children in question. That's between their mother and father. Father should definitely consult his new wife and respect her opinions, but if there is a conflict between what ex-wife wants for her children and what new wife thinks is reasonable for those children, [b]ex-wife's opinion carries more weight.[/b]

Note: in functional, healthy coparenting relationships between divorced people, it doesn't come down to this very often. I'm divorced and remarried and I've never had a conflict with either my ex or my new husband about anything like this.[/quote]

Completely disagree. If this is what people think, no wonder second marriages have a high rate of divorce.[b] I would never marry a man who put another woman's feelings over mine[/b]. [/quote]

They aren't her feelings and, tellingly, this isn't about "you" as the second wife. It's about the KID and what is best for the KID.

I pray you never become a stepmother. [/quote]

Thanks! Actually, I am a stepmother who has loved and been in my stepson's life over half his existence. DH and have our own biological children as well.  Our blended family works well precisely because we do prioritize our marriage just like any other intact family would. We make decisions together as a team, for the benefit of the entire family.[/quote][/quote]

I'm the original PP who said that the ex-wife's weight carries more opinion. I'm an ex-wife, and I would include my husband in the decision-making process regarding this expense. For us, it would also be a family event. We would want to take pictures of DD in her homecoming dress. My husband would want to participate in that experience for DD, not just thumbs-up/thumbs-down the pricetag for it.

That's not what's going on in the post being discussed. In that situation, the OP's husband volunteered to pay for the dress, of his own volition. The "unreasonable request" was his daughters' mother telling him how much it cost. The OP's issue is that she doesn't think those are reasonable expenses, and she's blaming the ex-wife for that, not her husband, who is the one actually responsible for excluding her. Certainly that would be a marital issue they need to work out, but provided that it is not a safety issue and is simply a matter of style or personal preference, as in this case, I don't think that the step-parent gets a veto.[/quote]

Thank you for the explanation. Just curious, are you remarried? While I can appreciate your opinion, I still have to respectfully disagree.  If my DH volunteers what I think is an unreasonable amount of money and spending the money will negatively impact our family, then yes it gets vetoed. Just like any other marriage.  One spouse can't go off making decisions willy nilly and disregard the other's opinion, no matter what the situation. No marriage can withstand that sort of thinking. [/quote]

Yes, I am remarried. My ex is also remarried. His wife has had a lot more issues with our decision-making process re: DD than my husband has had. In fact, if our DD was older, I wouldn't be surprised if his wife was the OP of the other post. I think that much of her perspective will change when she has children of her own, because most of her issues stem from not really knowing the realities of parenting. Last year, for example, she made a fuss about the way that he and I dealt with summer camp. She thought that the camp I chose was too expensive, that there were better options, etc. She might have been right about that, but by the time she actually brought it up, it was far too late to do anything about it. She also "has concerns" about DD's school that are (in my opinion) related to her own privilege and upbringing and not to any actual experience of the school or DD's experience of the school.

I make sure to discuss big decisions with my husband, because we are a family and I'm not unconcerned with the impacts of those decisions on our nuclear family. I'm also a reasonable person and am happy to take DD's stepmom's concerns into account, but ultimately, my opinions about what school DD attends and what camps we sign her up for carry more weight than hers do. She does not like that. I do not particularly care. My husband, on the other hand, recognizes that DD's dad's decision-making power outweighs his own and seems untroubled by it.[/quote]

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