Reply to Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

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Reply to "Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Many people believe that a marriage is at the center of a family, and that two spouses should always put each other and their marriage as their top priority even before their own children.  Even here on DCUM there have been threads in the past asking whether you love your spouse or your child more, or which is your top priority, and the responses have been mixed.[/quote]

Well, as someone who was the step-parent once, and "married into" a family, I think what you're seeing is more a reflection of the attitudes of people who put the children at the top of the priority list, ahead of spouses.  They do this to the biological parent while still married to them as well as to step-parents, but it's not as obvious because the other biological parent may have the same prioritization of the child, [b]and does have an equal status or footing as a parent[/b].

That is: in a remarriage, the child's needs are a "justification" used to have the biological parent's priorities or desires trump the step-parent's priorities or desires.  It's not always just entirely selfish on the part of the biological parent - a lot of times there is a ton of divorce guilt, none of which they feel towards the step parent.  There is also a lot of "suck it up, you knew I had the kiddo before you signed on", although most childless step-parents have no idea what they are signing up for.

I have seen biological parents do this to each other plenty - use the kids as a way to get their own way, or to trump the other parent's wishes.

After my experience, which ended in divorce, I didn't even consider dating a single parent.  I am happily married and a biological parent now myself, and I cannot imagine ever needing to go through dating or marriage again, but if I somehow wound up a single parent, I might consider another single parent since I also have my own "trump card".  That's pretty cynical, but it is a real dynamic...I just heard "my kid, my way" so many times, it's drilled into me.  [/quote]

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