Reply to Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

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Reply to "Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think the error is in thinking it's a hierarchy. Spousal relationships are important. Relationships with children are important. My relationship with my husband is just as important to me as my relationship with my child, but when those two relationships are in competition for attention/money/time/etc., I prioritize the child because my husband is an adult who understands that the child has a greater reliance on me, while he is an adult who can largely do for himself.

In the situation you're referencing, I think that the OP's husband should certainly discuss these kinds of spending with his new wife, but the new wife does not get to decide what is and is not appropriate for the children in question. That's between their mother and father. Father should definitely consult his new wife and respect her opinions, but if there is a conflict between what ex-wife wants for her children and what new wife thinks is reasonable for those children, [b]ex-wife's opinion carries more weight.[/b]

Note: in functional, healthy coparenting relationships between divorced people, it doesn't come down to this very often. I'm divorced and remarried and I've never had a conflict with either my ex or my new husband about anything like this.[/quote]

Completely disagree. If this is what people think, no wonder second marriages have a high rate of divorce.[b] I would never marry a man who put another woman's feelings over mine[/b]. [/quote]

They aren't her feelings and, tellingly, this isn't about "you" as the second wife. It's about the KID and what is best for the KID.

I pray you never become a stepmother. [/quote]

Thanks! Actually, I am a stepmother who has loved and been in my stepson's life over half his existence. DH and have our own biological children as well.  Our blended family works well precisely because we do prioritize our marriage just like any other intact family would. We make decisions together as a team, for the benefit of the entire family.[/quote][/quote]

I'm the original PP who said that the ex-wife's weight carries more opinion. I'm an ex-wife, and I would include my husband in the decision-making process regarding this expense. For us, it would also be a family event. We would want to take pictures of DD in her homecoming dress. My husband would want to participate in that experience for DD, not just thumbs-up/thumbs-down the pricetag for it.

That's not what's going on in the post being discussed. In that situation, the OP's husband volunteered to pay for the dress, of his own volition. The "unreasonable request" was his daughters' mother telling him how much it cost. The OP's issue is that she doesn't think those are reasonable expenses, and she's blaming the ex-wife for that, not her husband, who is the one actually responsible for excluding her. Certainly that would be a marital issue they need to work out, but provided that it is not a safety issue and is simply a matter of style or personal preference, as in this case, I don't think that the step-parent gets a veto.[/quote]

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