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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think your daughter would tell us she has no life.  I think your issue is that she is maturing.  [b]If she didn't do anything all day, why do you care about a shower?[/b]  Does she want this black belt?[/quote]

OP here.
I just spent a few hours researching teens/preteens and lying. The issue is more common that I thought!!
I agree her schedule is tight. I tried to cut down on some things, but she wants to continue with all she is doing. Yes, she most definitely wants the black belt!! She is always excited to go to martial arts. She has good friends there, the teacher is phenomenal and I love watching her. She really does love it. She often refers to them as her "martial arts family."

As for the part in bold.. she was making a card for her friend last night and it was getting late, so after I finished straightening out the kitchen, I said "ok, it's time to take a shower and go to bed." I told her to go first and I would let the dogs out in the yard for a few minutes and put them in crates for the night. She didn't have any objections, other than asked to finish the part she was drawing at the moment, which I let her. She went upstairs and a few minutes later she was "done." 
It's not that I "cared" about her taking a shower last night. I said that because I want her to have it as a part of her daily routine, with occasional exceptions, which I mentioned earlier. 
She is spending the day today with one of her friends from our old neighborhood and I will pick her up after dinner.
I hope she doesn't smell too bad :P

I might bring it up again tonight and tell her that although I would prefer she showered every day, it's ok to make an exception sometimes and she shouldn't feel like she has to lie about it. And that I really want to have this close relationship with her, but trust is a big part of it. And I will make sure to remind her that she is not expected to be perfect, so it's ok if she skips some things sometimes. [/quote]

It's too late but I wouldn't even mention the lying. Ben to say she doesn't need to do it. (I'm the pp you quoted earlier whose daughter is in therapy for anxiety.) You might feel like you're giving her permission to bend the rules in an honest way, but I bet she sees it as you harping on the lying issue. What has worked for us is to remove the word lie from our vocabulary. I don't talk about trust except to say I trust her when she's shown she's trustworthy. Even small things, like if she feeds the cat. "I knew I could trust that you'd take care of the cat without a reminder." Things like that. Not what she needs to do to live up to my standards, but what she is doing that's awesome.

I used to feel like it was really important for her to be honest at all times and I'd call her put on those white lies. After I started ignoring them and showed her that I trust her and respect her opinion, she's becoming less likely to tell fibs like that. They were usually about things she felt I wanted her to do, but she didn't want to do, and it was easier for her to say she had done it. Brushing teeth, using acne medicine, showering, occasionally homework related fibs. She's much more likely to ask permission to skip the objectionable task than to skip it and lie about it now. It's not perfect, but it's much better. And it turned around really quickly-just a matter of weeks. Good luck. [/quote]

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