Reply to My SIL wants my MIL to move in with us for half the year

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yr husband was an ass to get mad bc she cancelled the flight bc she wasn't feeling well. Flying is tough if you are old and disabled.

The smoking alone would mean I would not agree to this. I would offer a few weeks a year but nothing beyond.[/quote]

I should have mentioned that he didn't [b]think[/b] that was the real reason that she didn't come. Too many details to go into on my phone, but if he thought that was the real reason he wouldn't have been mad. We also offered to come visit her and she declined.[/quote]

But his anger over her declining to visit is now in the past -- or is he still stewing over what he [i]assumed[/i] was going on with her? It's too late to ask now anyway, but your husband is not an ideal candidate for having his mother under his roof, especially if he is possibly holding a grudge based on an assumption. And older people sometimes just do not like to travel, or are afraid it will overwhelm them. For some older people having visitors is a huge strain and something they want to avoid, even if they love the visitors. It's not necessarily personal.

The post doesn't really say what MIL thinks of SIL's plan. That's your red flag that SIL is doing this without consulting MIL, or she's gotten a "yes" from MIL that is the result of bulldozing her on it.

You are right, OP, that introducing a live-in relative when you will have three young kids including a baby, is a very bad idea. And I'd bet MIL is going to pine for her home anyway. Your husband needs to work with SIL on finding some help and options back in Hungary. I am a big believer in the younger generations helping the older ones, but this is a recipe for disaster as you describe it. A ton of resentment on your part (and understandably so, OP) if she moves in, and your husband feeling guilty if he says no, and SIL -- is she going to pressure your husband into a yes, when you get as much of a vote here as he does? Taking in a relative to live with you full-time (even for half the year) is a huge life-changer, believe me. And how long would it really be only six months at a time? What if SIL decides "I can only do four months of mom this year..."? And so on. (My grandmother lived in my family's household for nearly 40 years and it was the right arrangement for all of us, but I can see so many red flags on your situation, and can only repeat that having another adult in the home really does affect the family dynamic profoundly, so if it's not a [i]positive[/i] effect, you want to avoid doing it.)

If you bring her over here, some form of independent living facility is the answer, but your family and SIL must commit to pay for it. That may be doable, for sure. But you need to go into it with eyes wide open to the financial commitment.

I would instead do some serious research and find out what help is available in Hungary. Unless MIL is visiting here now and just adores being in the U.S. to the point she's refusing to go home -- she is going to tire of it here and probably end up sad and resentful if she lets your SIL pressure her to stay. But it is your husband's job, not yours, to get assertive with his sister and get busy about finding help for MIL so she can stay in her own home.[/quote]

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