Reply to Have you ever loved a woman but didn't tell her?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Cogiteur][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Cogiteur][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here's my theory on this post:  you desperately want to believe that the man you are involved with "secretly" loves you but is just afraid/held back by his fears/too macho/emotionally scarred/dipshit/the bitches got him first.

OP, please.  He's not the one for you.  Stop it.  Stop wasting your time.[/quote]

I'm not the OP, but this is actually what happened to me.  I was in love with a guy.  I knew he cared about me, but always felt it was one sided and on his terms.  We never properly dated, but had a really strong, complicated connection.  After 3 years I finally told him that I loved him.  I expected nothing back.  A month or two later, he told me that he loved me as well...and then disappeared.  Come to find out the reason he was M.I.A was because he was scared of what he was feeling.   So that actually does happen.  We are not together.  We would not be good together in marriage.  [b]I still love him deeply and I know that he still loves me as well.  This has been going on for 20 years now and it makes you realize just how beautiful love is.[/b]  It is not just one dimensional.  It is a multi faceted experience.  [/quote]

Nice post.  I'm curious - If you love him that deeply, and it hasn't wavered in two decades, don't you long for him?  Or have you found a place where you can feel that kind of love without dissolving into madness?

Because this is where I am.  It's only been a year, and I'm trying to come to terms with being in love with her for the rest of my life and not being able to ever hold her again.  [/quote]

I do long for him.  We do still keep in touch.  We both have acknowledged our feelings, but want to stay true to our spouses.  Some days are more difficult than others, but I am learning it's more important to just know the love is there.  I don't need to hear it all the time because I know it just is.   It's taken a long time to get to this place, but it's worth it.  [/quote]

I just poured myself a glass of wine.  Please share more.  Do your spouses know about your deep feelings for each other?  Do you love your spouse?  Are you "in love" with your spouse?  Do you fantasize about this other man? Have you ever been with him romantically?  Do you live near one another? Thank you for your candidness. I hope you'll pop in again to comment. I need a good romance tonight. [/quote]

Our spouses do not know the depth, but my husband knows of him.  I do love my spouse.  He is my best friend, an absolutely amazing father, and we have great sex.   I have been with the other man romantically, but the last time was about a year before I even met my husband.  Even then we only had sex a handful of times.  We currently live in the same county, but on opposite sides of it.   I do not fantasize about him sexually, but more romantically.  Its going to sound cheesy, but sometimes at random moments I get these images of us.  [b]We are just holding each other...and that is what it has always been like for us.  Its  just feeling and knowing that other person is there.[/b]  [/quote]

Not cheesy. At all.[/quote]

I think its likely that you are just in love with the IDEA of this man.  It's been 20 years, you live on opposite sides of the country, and both of you are currently married.  So much time has passed and you are likely completely different people than you were when you were together.  It easy to idealize a relationship that has never been tested by the stresses of everyday life. I'm saying this because I have been in your shoes --  I also still think about someone that I had a complicated relationship with when I was in my early 20s.  I haven't seen him since I was 28 and I am now 35.  We are both married with children.  I still think about him, but I know we would never have worked as a couple.  [/quote]

I totally get what you are saying.  I also know that we would never have worked well in a proper relationship/marriage at that point in our lives.  It does not mean that I don't still love him.  We have a very strong connection.  We always have and most likely, always will.  You can care about and  love someone deeply without being with them in a relationship.  He lives in the same state and county as I do, but we are on opposite sides.  So our paths will rarely ever cross.   Actually, all of the people in my life I have strong, deep connections with.  It's a different connection with each person, but I would do anything for any of them.  I don't take friendships lightly.  I don't have a plethora of friends, but the ones that I call family have been in my life for years and years.  [/quote]

I still maintain that you are idealizing this relationship as a wistful, romantic fantasy.  Since you keep in touch with this man, and claim you are in love with him, you are playing with fire and could be jeopardizing your marriage.  Just think twice about putting your marriage at risk for this guy.  He may as well be your secret Internet boyfriend that you have never met in real life.  He can say anything because he is protected by distance and isn't a part of your real life.   [/quote]

Textbook emotional affair[/quote]

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