Reply to In shock - he cheated

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "In shock - he cheated"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]At the same time, the humiliation and fear of telling family and friends and starting over is overwhelming.[/quote]

OP, I just wanted to address this one other point.  You've done nothing shameful.  If you end up needing to leave, or otherwise want to discuss this with friends and family, do not take his shame on yourself.  As is abundantly clear from your original post, you're not responsible for his behavior.  [/quote]

That is kind of you to say. Thank you. I do feel deeply ashamed and humiliated that this happened. I know it is not my fault, but I feel conned and wronged.

I put all of my faith and trust in someone who was extremely cavalier with my feelings and absolutely selfish with theirs. It makes me feel like I can't trust myself and my decisions. We have been married for such a very short time. I have just finished the process of changing my surname to his. All I think about is that if this is done, I will have to back through this entire painful process of changing my name back. Professionally, I honestly feel that I would need to change jobs if we divorced. I'm still receiving congrats messages from coworkers seeing I am using a new sender name/email address. I couldn't face my coworkers and everyone knowing I was in a marriage that was over before it began. I dread facing family and friends. I wonder what I would do and where I would go. I was able to transfer my job when we moved to our city (we moved for his job), which is fortunate, but I am still new to the city, have only a few friends here, no family, no other ties. Where would I go? Would I stay here where I could run into him and where we have all these memories? Do I return to where I used to live, a place I enjoyed but was happy to leave behind for a new start with him? I don't want to talk to anyone in my life about this because I don't know what I am going to do and I am so horribly humiliated.[/quote]

OP, I understand all these racing thoughts.  Your life, as you believed it to be, has been turned upside down.  You have every right to your anger, worry, fear and every other emotion you're feeling.

A few more things though.  First, please, PLEASE don't isolate yourself from your family and friends.  I'll repeat: you did nothing wrong or shameful, and while I understand the feelings of humiliation - this did NOT happen because of something you did or did not do.  You have done nothing worth feeling humiliated about.  I'm not suggesting that you should run out and discuss this situation with every co-worker and facebook friend, but I would urge you to confide in at least one or two close family members or friends so that you can have their support as you work through this.  You know who the people in your life are whose overriding thoughts will be concern for YOU, and wanting to support YOU, rather than judging your husband or your relationship or your decisions.  Those are the people you should talk to and lean on emotionally right now.

Second, please do give yourself some time to process this.  I know everything feels so overwhelming, and the racing thoughts about every last aspect of this situation are really, really hard to control.  Try, where you can, to give yourself breaks from those thoughts.  Exercise, a nap, a mindless movie, a drive with good music, baking something, whatever it is you normally do to de-stress.  You will, in time, be able to see some of the answers to the questions in your post above more clearly, or be able to determine that some don't apply at all and others are more important.  Know that it will take time to work through all of this, but that you will, and things will become clearer to you as the shock wears off.

I don't want to burden you with my own story, but I'll just say that I went through something somewhat similar recently.  By similar, I mean that I uncovered years worth of lies by my spouse (that also related to infidelity).  The first thing I did after confronting my husband with the discovery was to call my mother (at 11pm, and hysterical), because the shock of the situation was far, FAR too overwhelming for me to cope with alone.  The next day I talked to a good friend, and contacted an old therapist to set up an appointment.  Those three people have continued to be three of the four key supports for me as I've worked through my situation.  When I first saw my therapist, she told me what others here have told you regarding the separation/divorce/what-do-I-do question: "It's too soon to know."  And for me, that was absolutely true.  I agonized over it, all the time, but when I finally did make a decision on what to do I felt much more confident that I was making the right one.

Again, I am so, so sorry you're going through this.  I will honestly be thinking of you, and hoping you choose to talk to someone in your life who loves you and who can help support you through this.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics