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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks for all the advice so far. It is very helpful.

To those of you who think that I am too involved - I certainly understand that. I wish I could step back. As others pointed out, that's one good reason to send her to a therapist. I am usually a "natural consequences" parent. I let my kids make mistakes and deal with the consequences. But, in this situation, she would self-destruct. I have no doubt about it. Also, she actually reaches out to me and wants my help quite often. though there are plenty of other times when she thinks I'm being nosy.

Most of what I know about her drama is from her texts and instagram. I will not apologize for snooping on her phone! that was the deal when she got her phone and opened social media accounts. I have full access to them until I feel that she is mature and knowledgeable enough to handle it on her own. She obviously hasn't reached that point.

I do not think she's a lesbian, but I guess I wouldn't completely rule that out. She certainly doesn't go for the most attractive in the group. And based on the male crushes she's had, appearance seems to be a big factor for her. :/  Like I said, this started in preschool. Then in grade school. Again (sort of) in 6th grade. Now it's happening again. It's always the most outgoing in the group that she's drawn to. Every single time. I think she just has this vision of hanging out with a bff, laughing, and being silly all the time. She just can't picture someone quieter (like her) being that way. It's easier to visualize having that with someone who already acts that way. She has some friends at school who are quiet and laid back, but she doesn't have any desire to hang out with them outside of school.

People have said to me that it's a teenage thing and she will outgrow it, but it's not a teen thing in her case. It's the way she's always been.

I hate to pull her away from this group because it really is a great group of girls. they haven't done anything wrong. They are definitely pulling away from her, but I can't blame them for that. When she went through this in grade school, it was a group that I couldn't wait to get her away from. She was much better off without them. But that's not the case here. It's a dance team that she is on, and I simply can't pay all this money again next year when there is nothing but drama. I can't take dance away from her completely, but I'm thinking I can find something that is a more focused and less social setting.

I think it's a great idea to watch mean girls with her. I haven't seen it yet and I don't think she has either.

Someone mentioned Asperger's. I took a quick look at the symptoms and I think that could be a possibility. I need to take a much closer look at that. [/quote]

OP- of course it's your decision, but I'm not sure I would pull her off of the dance team. I think your daughter would benefit from social skills therapy (I'm one of the folks who mentioned this earlier) and perhaps individual therapy. Whether it's anxiety, Aspergers, or just a difficult, insecure personality your DD needs to learn how to interact socially. She may need to develop more "theory of mind" or better impulse/anxiety control. Teens can be forgiving- if your DD becomes more calm and easier to be around, she may be able to continue on the dance team. It may give her some confidence to resolve issues and keep with something that she enjoys.

I have a friend with some similarities - we have been friends for many years starting in high school. She has had a lot of difficulty understanding that other peoples' feelings, decisions, or actions weren't about her or how others felt about her. It remained a problem until she was a mature adult in her mid to late thirties (!)-- she constantly felt excluded, slighted, etc., and it caused her a lot of pain and poor decision making, especially when choosing intimate relationships. I spent many years talking with her about making better choices, but her impulsivity and poor emotional responses were barriers to change. Even as a best friend, we had struggles because it was incredibly frustrating to watch her make the same mistakes repeatedly. Ultimately, she was diagnosed with anxiety and needed to take medication.

My point is that the problems you mention are familiar to me and not to be alarmist, may continue past high school without intervention. The fact that this is an ongoing pattern is cause for concern-- I'm not trying to say that your DD is headed down the road of my close friend, I'm just saying that you are right not to be complacent. It's friends now, but wait until boys enter the picture...[/quote]

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